Miriam:
It all depends upon how one defines them. Adapted from Bill Clinton.
R. E. (Dick) Driscoll, Sr.
On 6/26/2015 3:22 PM, Miriam Vieni wrote:
OK. So what's the difference between heaven and hell?
Miriam
-----Original Message-----
From: blind-democracy-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:blind-democracy-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Roger Loran
Bailey (Redacted sender "rogerbailey81@xxxxxxx" for DMARC)
Sent: Friday, June 26, 2015 3:43 PM
To: blind-democracy@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [blind-democracy] Re: Ducks - More Heavenly Humor
Okay, the version I heard was funnier in my opinion, so let me repeat it
here. I will need to insert a character name in this, so let me call him
Carl Jarvis. If you repeat the joke it is customary to insert the name of
whomever you are telling it to.
Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Carl Jarvis all die and go to heaven.
When they get there a disembodied stentorious voice says, "Jimmy Swaggart,
step forward."
Jimmy Swaggart steps forward and he is presented with a six-hundred-pound
woman with tufts of greasy hair growing not only from her head, but also
from her nostrils and other body parts. She is also covered with excrement
and she smells horribly. The stentorious voice says, "Jimmy Swaggart, as
penance for your sins on Earth you must spend the next thousand years with
this woman." And so they go off together.
Then the voice says, "Jim Bakker, step forward." Jim Bakker steps forward
and he is presented with an old crone covered in wrinkles and with running
sores all over her. She has snot running down her lips and lice can be seen
running over her body. The voice says, "Jim Bakker, as penance for your sins
on Earth you must live the next thousand years with this woman." And they go
off together.
Now, there is only Carl Jarvis waiting and the disembodied stentorious voice
says, "Carl Jarvis, step forward." Carl steps forward and is presented with
Cindy Crawford and Mary Tyler Moore. The stentorious voice then says
stentoriously, "Cindy Crawford and Mary Tyler Moore, as penance for your
sins on Earth ...."
On 6/26/2015 12:30 PM, Carl Jarvis wrote:
Dick Dick Dick, okay, so I laughed. But don't look out your fronteternity."
door. There's a crowd of ugly women who are really pissed at you for
discriminating against them. In fact, old Saint Peter had better lay
low for a while, too.
Carl Jarvis
On 6/26/15, R. E. Driscoll Sr <llocsirdsr@xxxxxxx> wrote:
*Subject:* Ducks
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have
ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the
course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit
the ducks in your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks,
"The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around
the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him
quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band and it really
breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished,
otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large
numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys
hit a duck. Theduck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon
there was a deafening roarof duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks,
"Who hit the duck?"
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did."
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the
man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to
hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for
even uglier woman.The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a
couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were
as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an
walked off.St.Peter cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed
together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move
for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still
hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the
three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man
and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for
eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,
"I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
---
This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.
http://www.avast.com
