Hi all,
This one's good for at least a few laughs. And, goodness knows, we could use
more than a few laughs to counteract real world goings on.
Bob Hachey
Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret
society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious
attack animals in public on a daily basis. These mysterious folk also have a
secret means of communication, while shocking new evidence seems to indicate
that they may even possess senses superior to those of other humans.
We're
speaking, of course, of the legions of the so-called blind.
Let's assume for a minute that we swallow this "blindness" hoax in the first
place. If these people are somehow bereft of the gift of sight, how does
that explain the works of Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Ronnie Milsap?
How
could such men possibly play music if they were blind? What do they take us
for-ignorant saps?
The first issue I must point out is their very public display of armed
might. Every individual laying claim to sightlessness carries a cudgel on
their person at all times. These "canes," as they call them, are supposed to
help them feel their way along. They are painted white, almost as if the
bearer wished to remind passersby of its presence, and the weapon's tip is
painted a chillingly suggestive red. Those who have studied the mysterious
fighting arts of the Orient know that such sticks may be wielded with deadly
force by those with skill. In a surprise attack, strategically placed squads
of the "blind" could quickly overwhelm our police forces.
Their fearsome nature encompasses more than just personal weaponry. Many of
the alleged blind also own large, vicious attack dogs for the supposed
purpose of guidance along city streets. With one word from their scheming
masters, these slavering "guide" dogs could become guided missiles!
Indeed, most of these fearsome beasts are German shepherds, a species of
killer wolf invented by twisted, Fascist dog breeders, which has somehow
fallen into this most suspect faction of the disabled.
The most frightening aspect of this diabolical conspiracy by far is their
ability to communicate with one another unbeknownst to upstanding citizens.
Their secret code consists of a series of raised dots cunningly arranged
into arcane shapes. Known as "Braille," this demonic alphabet has begun
popping up in places that were doubtlessly chosen for their mundane,
everyday outward appearance: elevators, building directories, automated
teller machines and the like.
This system seems rational enough, and does not attract undue attention.
But
think! If the messages on the signs changed suddenly, how would we know?
Next year, next month, next week, maybe even tomorrow, the signs will change
from "second floor" to "STRIKE NOW! STRIKE HARD!" and our nation will be
thrown into the chaos of revolution.
At this juncture, there is no hard evidence that the blind are planning such
a revolution. We hope to have such evidence very soon. But can one group
possess such an overwhelming element of surprise and fail to use it to seize
power? And can their goals be anything but evil?
No, I say! I maintain that true blindness lies in failing to see the threat
where it must obviously lie, and we must be vigilantly wary of the blind
menace
