[tri-wings] Re: stress - Susan

.>  Rebecca was with us so long and our lives revoled around her,  and
> even though life is " easier now" I just miss that girl so much, I even 
> feel
> guilty going on a Mexican holiday because we could not have done it with
> Rebecca as she would have hated it
>
> Susan mom to Rebecca t 18m 6/6/91- 2/5/06


This comment was enough to pull me out of lurk mode!  After Ryan died I felt 
totally unhinged - as with you and Rebecca, our schedule revolved around 
him, and it felt so weird, and wrong, to go to bed at a normal time and 
sleep all night, or to go to the store at any time of day (not planning 
around feedings etc...).  I remember waking up about 3 days after he died 
and realizing I wasn't tired anymore... and that hadn't happened since he 
was born, and I felt incredible guilt and sadness over not being tired... 
how strange is that?   I think, actually, that this is one place where I can 
share that and it won't seem strange... which I why I love this list even 
tho I rarely post.  It is good to have one foot in someplace where people 
understand a different kind of normal.
BTW, the PTSD type stuff for me happened leading up to Ryan's first birthday 
and anniversary - I was obsessed with the time of day, and kept reliving 
everything that happened in my head  as if it was a movie, the days before 
his birth, the delivery room, his being sent to the NICU, the days before we 
got the diagnosis...hour by hour.... a movie that I couldn't turn off in my 
mind....  I share that because living with my grief has become so much 
easier now, and the love and memories are such a part of me and the grief 
and sorrow has become a more mellow, tho still present, part of me...
It does get better... and I am glad that you have coworkers and your MIL to 
share with.  Take very good care Susan.
Peace,
Sandra, Mom to Ryan (01/31/03-01/29/04 T18) and his sister Drew 03/11/04 :o)


                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
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