[tri-wings] Re: new member

Hi Anne Marie,

I am so very sorry that precious Kelly could not stay. We all know the pain
of losing a child here and there is no greater pain. 

One of the hardest things for me over the past 3 and 1/2 years since we lost
our daughter Emma Grace to T18 has been the what ifs, if onlys and the guilt
that comes with all those possible things that did not happen. I had a
wonderful grief counselor after she died tell me that the process of grief
leads to those questions without answers, but that eventually you will find
a place where your heart and your mind meet. Right now your heart is filled
with things that your mind does not reconcile itself to. You know when you
made the decisions you did, you made them based on love, hope and you were
filled with peace about them. Now that things are different than you hoped,
it is so easy to go back and question those decisions. That is normal, we
all do it and it can take a long time to stop doing it (I still do it almost
4 years later) but I also do recognize that I did decide everything at the
time based on all the information I had, and from my heart. My head and my
heart have met and are in agreement. You have to ask them and try to answer
them to get through this process, it is so very painful in the beginning and
takes each person varying amounts of time to get through that extremely
sharp pain, but I promise you it does diminish over time. The missing her
and the sadness do not ever go away, but the extreme pain especially at what
might have been (the if onlys and what ifs) does decrease after you let
yourself go through them, time and again. 

Be gentle with yourself, let yourself grieve. I know it is not easy to do
that with all your kids (I have 5 surviving children, 4 when Emma died) as
you want to be strong for them and it scares them to see you upset. Find a
private place you can go to when you need to cry and let it out. My place
was the bathtub. I was the cleanest woman in the universe for those first 6
months or so. I would soak until I was waterlogged and had a private place
to think, cry or just be alone with my thoughts about Emma. 

We are here if you need anything and are happy to listen anytime. 

Bess
Mom to Ben, Jake, Zack, Chloe, Emma Grace (12-2-03 to 12-15-03) and Will (8
months old and cruising the furniture) wife to Matt
www.hopefortrisomy13and18.org
Naples, FL

-----Original Message-----
From: tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx]
On Behalf Of anne marie lillwitz
Sent: Thursday, June 21, 2007 8:23 AM
To: tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx; tri-family@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [tri-wings] new member

Hi,
   
  My name is Anne Marie.  My husband, Larry, and  I have 5 kids (11, 7, 4,
3, 1) and our little angel, baby Kelly.  Kelly was stillborn 2 weeks ago.
She was diagnosed with T-18 when I was 32 weeks pregnant.
   
  Although we knew that she may not live long or survive childbirth, I
thought she would come home with us for a while, as her ultrasounds didn't
show any major heart anomilies or other problems.  It was very hard to leave
the hospital without her.
   
  Another thing I am struggling with now is guilt.  It is funny, because I
am not angry or asking why us?, but am mostly feeling sad and somewhat
guilty.  I keep wondering if I should have had a c-section and if that would
have prolonged her life.
   
  Anyway, that is part of our story.....I am sorry for all of you and your
losses...and I wish we were meeting under different circumstances.
   
  Anne Marie Lillwitz
  Aurora, Il
       
---------------------------------
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                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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