[tri-wings] Re: my grief Long

 
Hi Jill, 

I am sorry things have been tough for you. I would have thought every day
gets better than the last, but since our loss, I can see that that is not
howit works at all. 

I heard before Annie died that there is a very high rate of divorce
followingthe death of a child. It helped to realize before Annie died that
myhusband and I would not handle the grief in the same way and that I would
need to make an effort to respect our diffierences. 

When Annie died, my husband was of the attitude, "well, that's done, very
sad, we did our best, now, for Annie's sake we must move on and be happy.
Shewouldn't want for us to be miserable for the rest of our lives as her
legacy to us" Ok, sounds great, but for me, the reality of that course of
action is impossible. 

When we differ, I try to dwell on how much my husband loved Annie, and how
hespent everynight sleeping on the floor beside her little vibrating chair
that she loved, with the sat monitor beside his head..He never once even
hinted at a complaint. I cannot say the same for myself. Anyway remembering
this helps me now to accept our differences. 

I hope you get over this "wave" of grief soon, and that the next is a little
easier. 

Barb mom to Annie 05/25/05-08/12/05  t13


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:  "Jill Husted" <Jill.Husted@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To:  tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
To:  "Tri-wings List " <tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Subject:  [tri-wings] my grief Long
Date:  Tue, 21 Feb 2006 10:48:02 -0500
Sorry this is long. I have been having issues lately and I think they need
to come out. I think I need to find a support group to help me. My
denial/depression of me losing my son is starting to affect my relationship
with my husband.

Daniels T-13 was undetected until he was born, we knew that he had a heart
defect, but that it was treatable. Some days I thank God that we did not
know that he had T-13. Because we did not know about his T-13 my pregnancy
was wonderful. I could enjoy every moment of it. My son Daniel has been gone
for almost 2 1/2 yrs. Some days it is still hard. It comes in waves. Some
days when I have time to really think it is the hardest. Daniels funeral was
very hard, I had my moments where I just broke down. But for the most part I
was so removed from the whole thing. That first year is such a blur for me.
I would read so many heart breaking stories of other parents losing their
babies to either T-13 or T-18. I wanted to find a connection to someone who
went through the same things I did, because my friends and family just did
not get it. I wanted to find some place where I belonged. There are times
that I think I am still looking for that, a good friend who understands me.
Some days I feel so lonely for friends that understand me. That first year
there was a lot of living minute by minute. My husband from the very
beginning could tell Daniels story to anyone, I think he enjoyed seeing the
look on peoples faces when they found out we lost a child. He wanted them to
feel the same pain he was feeling. I have just recently been able to tell
strangers that we have 3 children, 2 on earth and 1 in heaven. I do not want
anyone to forget that I have 3 children. I know that my son was here for a
reason I know that God hand picked him to be born to me (we were going to
start trying to get pregnant the following month but thought that it would
take a while. We got pregnant with Daniel that month, had sex one time that
month during ovulation.)  Daniel birth has brought me closer to my parents.
Without Daniel I would not be the person I am today, and my son Douglas
would not have been born.

Again sorry so long. Trying to work out issues.

Jill mommy to Van IV (07/01/01), Daniel (09/11/03-10/08/03), and Douglas
(11/11/04)

                   Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                        www.trisomyonline.org
                   Families Helping Families On-line

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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