[tri-wings] my grief Long

Sorry this is long. I have been having issues lately and I think they need 
to come out. I think I need to find a support group to help me. My 
denial/depression of me losing my son is starting to affect my relationship 
with my husband. 
 
Daniels T-13 was undetected until he was born, we knew that he had a heart 
defect, but that it was treatable. Some days I thank God that we did not 
know that he had T-13. Because we did not know about his T-13 my pregnancy 
was wonderful. I could enjoy every moment of it. My son Daniel has been gone 
for almost 2 1/2 yrs. Some days it is still hard. It comes in waves. Some 
days when I have time to really think it is the hardest. Daniels funeral was 
very hard, I had my moments where I just broke down. But for the most part I 
was so removed from the whole thing. That first year is such a blur for me.  
I would read so many heart breaking stories of other parents losing their 
babies to either T-13 or T-18. I wanted to find a connection to someone who 
went through the same things I did, because my friends and family just did 
not get it. I wanted to find some place where I belonged. There are times 
that I think I am still looking for that, a good friend who understands me. 
Some days I feel so lonely for friends that understand me. That first year 
there was a lot of living minute by minute. My husband from the very 
beginning could tell Daniels story to anyone, I think he enjoyed seeing the 
look on peoples faces when they found out we lost a child. He wanted them to 
feel the same pain he was feeling. I have just recently been able to tell 
strangers that we have 3 children, 2 on earth and 1 in heaven. I do not want 
anyone to forget that I have 3 children. I know that my son was here for a 
reason I know that God hand picked him to be born to me (we were going to 
start trying to get pregnant the following month but thought that it would 
take a while. We got pregnant with Daniel that month, had sex one time that 
month during ovulation.)  Daniel birth has brought me closer to my parents. 
Without Daniel I would not be the person I am today, and my son Douglas 
would not have been born.   
 
Again sorry so long. Trying to work out issues.
 
Jill mommy to Van IV (07/01/01), Daniel (09/11/03-10/08/03), and Douglas 
(11/11/04)

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
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