[tri-wings] Re: good grief!

Hi Kristy,
 
I'm so sorry for the loss of your special little one.  I encourage you  to do 
your best not to question the decisions you made about Karly's medical  care. 
Just know that you did what you felt would be best for her. 
I know, having lost two kids that it's easy to second guess the choices we  
make.  
Analee had heart surgery and lived almost ten years. She died two weeks  
before her 10th birthday.  I am very grateful that her bio-parents made the  
decision they did, but  I can certainly understand where others make the  
decision 
not to do surgery. Each child and each circumstance is different and no  one 
can fully understand what goes into making decisions like that unless the  walk 
in your shoes.
 
As for holding on to things like the notebook. I too encourage you to hold  
on to anything that might hold some significance for you.  I purchased a  
plastic Rubbermaid type container when each of my girls died.  I put things  in 
that at the time I wasn't sure I wanted to part with. I have the outfit that  
Analee wore on her last day of school, not because I particularly like it, but  
because I'll always remember how happy her classmates were that they all got a  
chance to hold her without an adult standing over them to tell them to be  
careful with her. (I had asked her teacher to step aside and let the  kids take 
care of things.)   I have different toys and clothes,  pj's, each of the girls 
AFO's so I can remember how big their feet were, their  glasses.... I also 
put in all of the cards, emails, etc... from their  funerals. 
I don't look through them often but it's a safe place to keep those things  
that I could'nt throw away or pass on.  I also still have some of their  things 
still around the  house.  One of Sky's jackets is still in the  front closet, 
one of Analee's crib toys is still on the dresser in her room...  eventually 
I'll move them on, but for now I like them where they are and it  isn't 
hurting anyone to let them stay. 
I think it's important for us to be able to grieve and move on in whatever  
way we need to. I don't expect friends or family to understand why I've chosen  
to hold oon to certain things. I just know for me it was important to keep 
the  things that were significant at the time.  I encourage you to hold on to  
anything that might be helpful to you. 
I know that many people were surprised when I offered to share some of the  
girls' things with them. I was amazed by how many people asked to have a  
sweater, blanket, a pair of shoes, a special toy, barrettes, etc..... There 
were  
some things that I wasn't able to let go of but the majority of things that  
meant something to someone else, meant nothing to me.  It was a way for me  to 
know that my girls wouldn't be forgotten by their friends, teachers,  
relatives, etc....
I also set aside things that I'll save for Analee's bio sisters. When they  
are in their own homes, and have a place to put things, I'll share those things 
 with them.  I think about the ages of your other kids and that at somepoint  
they may be interested in the notebook. While it might be a source of sadness 
to  you now, it might hold some opportunity for happier conversations and 
shared  memories later on.
I apologize for all my babble. I hope you are able to find some peace as  you 
move through this ugly process.....
 
 
Nancy,
Mom  to Tony (9), Ian (5), India (3), Logan (3),
and Angels Sky (8-26-06), and  Analee T-18 (7-4-06).


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