[tri-wings] coping

Sharon,

It's funny that you should e-mail me now...I just called yesterday to
set up an appointment to speak with a therapist who deals with families
that have gone through infant loss of many forms (i.e., miscarriage,
stillborth, termination, etc.). I was feeling relatively good until the
1 month anniversary of Allison's birth. Then, I started feeling a wide
variety of emotions.  I feel a lot of anger (why does this happen to
people who really and truly want their babies?).  I am sad when I see
people who are pregnant or carrying around tiny little ones.  I also
guess what people are thinking of me by what they say or don't say.  I
suppose that is not fair.  I recently started working again, and the
people I work with are quite nice and caring.  Most of the time it is
helpful being at work.  However, I work in a surgical intensive care
unit as a nurse, and have watched people die 2 of the 5 days I have been
back to work.  I've also seen the families and feel so terrible for what
they are going through.  So, it seems like death is all around me! As
far as the decision to terminate the pregnany goes...I think I felt
relief right after she was born, knowing that she would not have to go
through any pain and suffering.  However, I sometimes cry when I think
to myself that I took a life into my own hands.  I do know, though, that
I made the right decision.  I think that no matter what decisions we
make in these types of situations, we will always be second guessing
ourselves.  To me, it's like taking a loved one off life support, which
I have seen done a few times.  You never want to let the person go- it
is unbearable not to have the person in your life-but it would be more
unbearable to watch the person suffer.  I did not want a life of
constant surgeries and hospitalizations for my child.  I know I did the
right thing.  I know my baby Allison is in a better place right now.  I
hope that one day you will feel the same about your little William. 
Maybe they are together playing up there in heaven.  Who knows? That's
more than they could have done on Earth.

Take care of yourself..
And please write again soon....Your story has helped me more than you
know.

Kristen :)
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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