[tri-wings] bad day

i am not sure where to begin right now, but i need to just get this out of my 
system.  on sunday, my daughter kira turned three.  we had a great party for 
her, she had a blast and so did we.  it was not until today that it hit me with 
full force-tyler will never have a birthday.  i can barely type, this is so 
hard.  i have been hit so hard with a fresh wave of grief.   it is not one of 
those gentle ones that roll over you.  it is like a wall of water, like those 
pictures of tsunamis  (sp?) or tornados that are relentless, pounding and 
inescapable.  we just got another billing notice in respect to tyler as well 
asking for payment or an update of our child's ohip (health card) number.  
darrell had to call and say he had died.  the woman on the phone was crying.  
it was hard for my husband.  i have done it before so i know how hard it is.  
darrell has been having bizzare dreams about visiting tyler in remote hospitals 
and other dreams where everything is a disaster- people are dying everywhere, 
danger is everwhere.  wow.  
i love life and have so much to live for.  i have things i want to do.  i want 
to feel joy again without impediment and i am so afraid i never will.  i loved 
my son more than anything, i would give anything to have hime alive but i know 
it won't happen.  i want my life to be better, to change things to honour his 
memory but some days i have no strength.  i do not really think i have a point 
here, i just needed to say some things..
as always, thanks for listening.  i am hoping that by letting this out i can 
live a bit today.
pam, darrell, t 13 angel tyler and kira
elora ontario
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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