[tri-wings] Re: Wish I could keep up

Hi Kaylene,
   
  There are times when I have to step away from it as well.  My baby Jillian 
died 7 months ago too.  She died on February 27, and we buried her on the day 
your son Mathias died.  I find that if I'm distracted enough during the day, I 
can get hrough most days.  But when I'm alone is when the thoughts and grief 
come flooding back.  Last week the memories of Jill's death, wake and funeral 
came flooding in my mind while I was driving the car.  I started having an 
anxiety attack and the pain and the tears were so great.  Nights are hard.  
Anytime I'm alone with my thoughts--even in the shower.  So I guess we're not 
alone in feeling this way.
   
  I'm not looking forward to any holiday, because I know I will be thinking 
that Jill should be here with us.  I'm planning on everything being very low 
key for a while.
  I'm so sorry for your experience in the CPR class.  That must have been so 
difficult.  It would have been difficult for me as well, since my husband gave 
Jill CPR on the day she died.  It must have been even more so for you since you 
couldn't help your son with CPR.
   
  Hugs to  you.
   
  Ruth (Jill's Mom (2/9/06 - 2/27/06  Full Trisomy 13)
  
Kaylene Byrne <kaylenebyrne@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
  Hi. I don't read as many posts as I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I just 
can't keep up with them all, and sometimes I feel like I can't read them 
because it means facing my own pain. It's been almost 7 months since my 
sweet Mathias took his last breath in my arms. Sometimes it seems like days 
pass without the overwhelming loss weighing me down, and then one day when I 
least expect it, I fall apart. It seems it's always when I'm alone...driving 
to work, or up late at night. I recently flew back from a business trip to 
AZ and all I could think about was how I prayed I would make it home safe to 
see my 3 yr. old daughter. (I never used to worry so much about flying 
before). That one thought alone opened the floodgates of my feelings for and 
about Mathias. About how much I miss him. My husband and I are in the 
process of becoming licensed foster parents (just one more home inspection!) 
and we had to take a first aid/CPR class at the hospital last Saturday. It 
was so emotional for me (and my husband too). Here we were in a room full of 
unfamiliar couples practicing the steps to resucitate an infant! My son died 
because his windpipe was "floppy" (as the drs said). It would just collapse 
and he was able to open it again once or twice, but he jsut stopped 
breathing in my arms. CPR wasn't an option for us! And in front of people I 
didn't know the tears spilled over and my heart broke all over again. I 
guess I just needed to share some. Thanks for listening.
Kaylene
mom to Melanie and Mathias T-13 Robertsonian Translocation 2/28 - 3/3/2006

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