[tri-wings] Why can't I be happy?

Today has been quite the day. Many of my friends and family members
finally found out that I'm pg (13 weeks now). Everything so far has
looked fine, yet still I'm super scared and just not happy.

When I'm alone, I get so sad and think so much about how Ellie is the
one who's supposed to be here now, not our two other babies who are
coming. I'm scared of all of the possibilities of things going wrong
with twins (early deliveries, congenital stuff, etc etc etc) and people
seem to think that now I'll have had 2 pregnancies and 2 babies so
certainly that makes up for the loss of Ellie. IT DOESN'T!  I've
actually had my husband's grandma argue with me that it was even now.  I
said no it doesn't make it even. I'd do just fine with 3 thanks.  I felt
like saying, "so you have 4 kids if you lost one it wouldn't matter
because most people only have 2.5, right?"  I didn't say that but I'm
sure it sounds crazy and the thought of replacing Ellie or somehow this
twin pregnancy making up for it is also crazy to me.  This pg. has
already been really rough, I'm sick, tired and emotionally exhausted. I
grieve for Ellie every day and yet am supposed to be happy.  

I miss her and know and feel like I was supposed to be taking care of
her right now, not pg again and sick and trying to explain how she still
counts.  My gosh, why do people even begin to think that she isn't
important to me now.  I'll never have another Ellie, I'll never have
another first pregnancy experience, I'll never have her look at me again
or hold my finger like I'm the only person in the world.  I love her and
miss her deeply, so why am I supposed to be happy?  

I miss you Ellie,
Love,
Mommy 

Erin, 
Ellie's Mommy 6/26-29/03
and boy and girl twins ?  due 9/04
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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