[tri-wings] Re: This is me


----- Original Message -----
From: "Derwent Valley TSSC" <ao@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>

> I miss Abi so much. There's barely a waking hour that I don't think about
her. When > I get a moment to myself and its quiet I can feel my heart quite
literally hurting. There > is a real physical pain

Dear Pete,
I am so sorry for all your pain right now.  I know that physical pain that
you speak of...

> Christmas is just 8 weeks away and I'm dreading it. Everyone will be
happy, >enjoying themselves, celebrating full of cheer. Exactly as they
should be, I wouldn't >dream of saying otherwise, but I just don't think I
can do it.

Christmas is always a difficult time when you have lost a loved one.
Susanna passed away on December 22nd and her funeral was on Christmas eve
and so our first Christmas without her was, obviously, the next day.  It
wasn't too bad for us because we were both still very numb.  But the
following year was terribly difficult.  Yes, everyone was enjoying
themselves, as they should, and yet we both felt so empty.  We put on a
brave face for everyone, but we took time out for ourselves as well so that
we could remember our little one and our let our guard down for a while.

I never thought I would look forward to Christmas ever again, but here I am
far more excited than the girls, and looking forward to Santa's arrival.

> I cannot tell how I'm going to react to Twinkle's arrival. I am totally
petrified that I'm > going to resent her for not being Abi. Every milestone
will mark something that Abi > didn't get to do.

Pete, you will love Twinkle the moment you set eyes on him/her. My pregnancy
with Laura was awful, in that John and I virtually didn't talk about me
pregnant at all.  It was kind of like we were both ignoring the fact.  I
talked to others and obviously I felt very pregnant etc, but we didn't talk
about it amongst ourselves.  We were both so nervous and scared.  When Laura
was first born I compared her to Susanna in every way.  But as time went on
I realised she was indeed a very different baby with a different personality
and looks.  Every milestone will always mark something that Susanna didn't
get to do and it will always be that way for me.

>I still keep calling Twinkle Abi and I kick myself every time I do it.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, called Laura Susanna for the whole first year
of her life and even now it comes up occasionally.  I liked this though, as
I always felt that Susanna was obviously still on people's minds and in
their hearts for them to keep saying her name :-)

Pete, your pain is still so fresh.  It is perfectly natural for you to have
these feelings.  Be gentle with yourself.

I send my love and prayers to you..

Sue
Proud Mum to 3 beautiful daughters: Susanna (in Heaven T18), Laura (3 1/2)
and Clare (1).
Wife to John
Portland, Victoria, Australia
Susanna's pages: http://members.datafast.net.au/susan/susanna/susanna.htm
Laura's pages: http://members.datafast.net.au/susan/laura12/laura12.htm
Clare's pages: http://members.datafast.net.au/susan/clare4/clare4.htm

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
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