[tri-wings] Re: This is me

hi atousw-
i know how you feel ...i miss my baby angel irell so much it is killing me
..and yes i am 3 months pregnant but is so different i have so many feelings
i feel terrible like how come my angel was not getting the same help why did
this happen to my angel irell ...and then i feel so quilty i dont know but i
see you have the same feelings not that i want you to but at least i know i
am notalone i have been so depressed and happy i feel quilty and yes i dont
know whats going to happen at christmas its hard that was my due date for my
baby angel irell..so atousa i am here for you
ok
your friend in new york where its going to snow soon help
irellsmomjodi:)4eva^i^o^

-----Original Message-----
From: Derwent Valley TSSC [mailto:ao@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, October 29, 2002 10:23 AM
To: Wings
Subject: [tri-wings] This is me


Let me apologise first off, I'm going to ramble. Its not often I let the
mask slip but I'm having a bad day and I'm going to take the mask off and
have a pity party on my own, no drinking though because quite honestly I
think that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. I don't have a drink
problem or anything, just afraid that I might get one.
I posted the other day that I'm hurting so much lately and there is lots
going on inside my head, well here's a little insight for you, and a bit of
therapy for me (so if you're up to reading my ramblings thank you, and if
you're not it doesn't matter because I just needed to write this stuff)
In no particular order: I miss my baby so much, I'm dreading Christmas, I'm
petrified that I'm going to resent Twinkle and I want to go and see a medium
but daren't.
I miss Abi so much. There's barely a waking hour that I don't think about
her. When I get a moment to myself and its quiet I can feel my heart quite
literally hurting. There is a real physical pain and I know exactly what it
is, and it isn't something the doctor can mend. We set up a screen saver on
our PC with every single photo of Abi that we have (that's 205 of them)
cycling through every 6 seconds. I can stare at the screen for what feels
like hours. Does it make me feel any better? - no it makes me worse but I
can't turn it off. I know most if not all of you will know what I mean. My
solution to this, work hard so the screen saver doesn't kick in.
Christmas is just 8 weeks away and I'm dreading it. Everyone will be happy,
enjoying themselves, celebrating full of cheer. Exactly as they should be, I
wouldn't dream of saying otherwise, but I just don't think I can do it.
Ringing in my ears all the time is a comment I made to Louisa last year
"Just think, this will be the last Christmas we have without a baby in the
house". We decided last year that this year I was going to go mad and
totally dress the house up. Lights and tinsel everywhere from the top of the
roof and the guttering to every window whether on show or not to the plants
in the garden and anywhere else. Well neither of us are in the mood for
that. I will get the tree up but I guess that'll be it.  I know it will be
hard because I won't be able to keep myself busy to stop me from thinking.
This is what I do, I either keep so busy I don't have time to scratch or I
descend into some pit and stay there until some of my amazing friends throw
me a line a pull me ou
 t. Still don't know what I'm going to do during Christmas, put on a brave
pace probably so i don't spoil it for everyone else.
I cannot tell how I'm going to react to Twinkle's arrival. I am totally
petrified that I'm going to resent her for not being Abi. Every milestone
will mark something that Abi didn't get to do. I've been reading the baby
books again and even dared to read the bits about bringing baby home. Well
we never got to do that with Abi and it just kills me. I'm so regretful that
we couldn't bring her home and I get so guilty for planning it for Twinkle.
I still keep calling Twinkle Abi and I kick myself every time I do it. It is
innocently done, but it doesn't feel like it when I do it. At times I do get
excited about Twinkle but then guilt creeps in. It's like I'm being
disrespectful to Abi whenever I get excited, so that's all Twinkles fault
right? Of course its me and I'm not being fair so then I enter self loathing
and round we go again.
And so to communicating with the spirit world. I truly believe that Abi is
safe in heaven being looked after by so much family she has her Granddad (my
Dad), 2 great grandmothers 2 great grandfathers, an Auntie who went to
heaven as a baby around 35 years ago, a great uncle and many various more
distant relatives but family is family and I believe in that. So why go to a
medium? For reassurance, but I know I may come away with more questions than
answers and that scares me enough to do nothing about it. Not to mention
finding a genuine medium (do they even exist ?) because there are definitely
a lot of charlatans out there. (BTW I do not want to spark a debate on this
because I think it will be way too easy to upset people, these are just my
thoughts I'm sharing).
So now I'm finished with my therapy. If you made it to the end - wow -
thanks for listening. Do I feel better for it? Just a little, at least its
in black and white so isn't flying round my head so much now. Don't know
what I would do without Wings. Love you all.

Pete - Husband to Louisa & Daddy to an Angel: Abigail Rosebud 
(\o/)    (T-18) 16 - 19 March 2002. Derby, England
 /_\  










Pete - Husband to Louisa & Daddy to Abigail Rosebud 
(\o/)    (T-18) 16 - 19 March 2002. Derby, England
 /_\  
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

Other related posts: