[tri-wings] This is me

Let me apologise first off, I'm going to ramble. Its not often I let the mask 
slip but I'm having a bad day and I'm going to take the mask off and have a 
pity party on my own, no drinking though because quite honestly I think that if 
I started I wouldn't be able to stop. I don't have a drink problem or anything, 
just afraid that I might get one.
I posted the other day that I'm hurting so much lately and there is lots going 
on inside my head, well here's a little insight for you, and a bit of therapy 
for me (so if you're up to reading my ramblings thank you, and if you're not it 
doesn't matter because I just needed to write this stuff)
In no particular order: I miss my baby so much, I'm dreading Christmas, I'm 
petrified that I'm going to resent Twinkle and I want to go and see a medium 
but daren't.
I miss Abi so much. There's barely a waking hour that I don't think about her. 
When I get a moment to myself and its quiet I can feel my heart quite literally 
hurting. There is a real physical pain and I know exactly what it is, and it 
isn't something the doctor can mend. We set up a screen saver on our PC with 
every single photo of Abi that we have (that's 205 of them) cycling through 
every 6 seconds. I can stare at the screen for what feels like hours. Does it 
make me feel any better? - no it makes me worse but I can't turn it off. I know 
most if not all of you will know what I mean. My solution to this, work hard so 
the screen saver doesn't kick in.
Christmas is just 8 weeks away and I'm dreading it. Everyone will be happy, 
enjoying themselves, celebrating full of cheer. Exactly as they should be, I 
wouldn't dream of saying otherwise, but I just don't think I can do it. Ringing 
in my ears all the time is a comment I made to Louisa last year "Just think, 
this will be the last Christmas we have without a baby in the house". We 
decided last year that this year I was going to go mad and totally dress the 
house up. Lights and tinsel everywhere from the top of the roof and the 
guttering to every window whether on show or not to the plants in the garden 
and anywhere else. Well neither of us are in the mood for that. I will get the 
tree up but I guess that'll be it.  I know it will be hard because I won't be 
able to keep myself busy to stop me from thinking. This is what I do, I either 
keep so busy I don't have time to scratch or I descend into some pit and stay 
there until some of my amazing friends throw me a line a pull me out. Still 
don't know what I'm going to do during Christmas, put on a brave pace probably 
so i don't spoil it for everyone else.
I cannot tell how I'm going to react to Twinkle's arrival. I am totally 
petrified that I'm going to resent her for not being Abi. Every milestone will 
mark something that Abi didn't get to do. I've been reading the baby books 
again and even dared to read the bits about bringing baby home. Well we never 
got to do that with Abi and it just kills me. I'm so regretful that we couldn't 
bring her home and I get so guilty for planning it for Twinkle. I still keep 
calling Twinkle Abi and I kick myself every time I do it. It is innocently 
done, but it doesn't feel like it when I do it. At times I do get excited about 
Twinkle but then guilt creeps in. It's like I'm being disrespectful to Abi 
whenever I get excited, so that's all Twinkles fault right? Of course its me 
and I'm not being fair so then I enter self loathing and round we go again.
And so to communicating with the spirit world. I truly believe that Abi is safe 
in heaven being looked after by so much family she has her Granddad (my Dad), 2 
great grandmothers 2 great grandfathers, an Auntie who went to heaven as a baby 
around 35 years ago, a great uncle and many various more distant relatives but 
family is family and I believe in that. So why go to a medium? For reassurance, 
but I know I may come away with more questions than answers and that scares me 
enough to do nothing about it. Not to mention finding a genuine medium (do they 
even exist ?) because there are definitely a lot of charlatans out there. (BTW 
I do not want to spark a debate on this because I think it will be way too easy 
to upset people, these are just my thoughts I'm sharing).
So now I'm finished with my therapy. If you made it to the end - wow - thanks 
for listening. Do I feel better for it? Just a little, at least its in black 
and white so isn't flying round my head so much now. Don't know what I would do 
without Wings. Love you all.

Pete - Husband to Louisa & Daddy to an Angel: Abigail Rosebud 
(\o/)    (T-18) 16 - 19 March 2002. Derby, England
 /_\  










Pete - Husband to Louisa & Daddy to Abigail Rosebud 
(\o/)    (T-18) 16 - 19 March 2002. Derby, England
 /_\  
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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