[tri-wings] Ryan family update....Off Topic delete at will

May contain some upsetting bits...please delete now if you want to....

Have decided that I'm never going to catch up, so a big big sorry to see you to 
all the new folk, a gigantic sorry to anyone who has missed me and I'll try and 
wade through what's been happening if anyone wants to know....

Matt is still undergoing psychotherapy and we have now just about reached the 
end of our rope with him. Having buried two of my children already, the last 
thing I ever want to do is bury another but it's been that bad recently and now 
knowing that his wishes are to be "out of here"and nothing else will do, I have 
actually found myself praying that God would end his misery! I'm completely 
ashamed to admit it but maybe this will give those of you who know me ,some 
idea of how hellish it really is round here and why I'm AWOL at times.He has 
given us a list of funeral arrangements which are very well thought out and 
precise.Nothing major needs to happen anymore to trigger off his outbursts and 
things like being asked to dry the dishes after dinner result in suicide 
threats and kitchen knives mysteriously disappearing from their home and 
finding themselves a new one in his room.Both Baz and I are convinced that he 
has BPD but neither doctor or therapist like "labels" !"!!!!!!!!!!! Neither do 
I but I fail to see how we can get anywhere with a constant refusal to admit to 
anything.So for now we continue to bang our heads against brick walls and watch 
him slowly destroy himself and those around him.Up until a few months ago he 
imploded and was all self harm, self hate, self destruction but he has now 
begun to explode and whilst the two eldest may well be able to fight him off, I 
know Charlotte and Alfie wouldn't stand a chance :-(
Matt is only very thin and small(he was IUGR and never caught up) but whilst 
waiting for an ambulance following one of his outbursts it took my 30 year old 
well built brother all of his might to restrain him.Its like once the chemicals 
kick in ,he has no control and truly doesn't know his own strength.
Charlotte is now convinced that once she is old enough she will be leaving the 
UK and currently wants a new life in Australia.....based on the fact that there 
are no houses on the moon yet and Aus is about as far away as she can get.I 
know she is only 12 but she speaks with the mind of an adult and has even 
looked into what she needs to do with regards to visas etc.
Steve (ex) keeps himself at a safe distance and then suddenly appears and 
upsets the proverbial apple cart ,leaving us to deal with the fallout.I have 
decided that since his closet door opened,I've been shut in one and in the past 
few weeks have decided that his shame isn't mine so a few interested 
magazines/newspapers are currently in the process of writing articles.(just 
hoping he doesn't read one whilst having his leg waxing done tee hee hee).One 
or two of our MPs have recently been outed and of course this has sparked media 
interest.As well as being here, I also help to administrate an online support 
group for straight spouses and so our little group of shadow dwellers has been 
put under the spotlight a little in helping to tell the public "how it feels".

Barry's two are now at opposite ends to each other on the scale of accepting 
step mum.Lucy is wonderful and is Alfie's nurse and full time playmate.Ed 
however still hasn't accepted me and resents the fact that he has to live 
here.We have talked to him and told him that the choices he has made for 
himself recently have meant he will have to stay here so he can't hate it too 
much.....I think he feels he is betraying his mum if he accepts me and I can 
understand that but hey try telling that to a 17 year old :-))

On the upside, Alfie is absolutely wonderful and keeps me going.He is now 21 
months and I can't believe where the time has gone.He is a constant reminder of 
how rainbows have pots of gold attached :**)
Hmmmmmm can't think of anything else to add but I'm sure there must be loads.I 
have been reading (if not responding)Wings ....(mass delete on the other side 
but shhhhhh nobody's listening) and do think about you all and will try and be 
here more often than each time we have a blue snow !

hugs
to all
Mandy,wife to Baz, mum to Matthew(13),Charlotte (12) , Gareth (t18 ^i^ 
14/11/99)and Dominic (CH ^i^ 23/7/00) and my little pot of gold at the end of a 
very long rainbow,Alfie( 21 months),
step mum to Katie(^i^) Ed (17)and Lucy(16 )England,UK
www.geocities.com/baby2angels2000 

Time is.....
Too slow for those who wait,Too swift for those who fear,Too long for those who 
grieve,Too short for those who rejoice.But for those who love,Time is 
eternity.(Henry Van Dyke)

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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