[tri-wings] Re: (Re: It`s two month today) and FIGHT ABOUT X-MAS STOCKINGS

Nadine,

Our babies were born so close to each other.  Gabriel would be 
two-and-a-half months about now.  I appreciate your openness about the 
grieving process.  I hope sharing some of our experiences is some 
comfort (knowing we understand so intimately what you are coping with). 
  Having five other children, and having to go back to work way too soon 
(we are in the process of buying our first house and my teaching 
contract was not secure so I went back to work way too soon to secure 
the loan, etc.--I'm embarrassed to say how soon (okay, ten days!).  I 
would have given up my job if Gabriel had lived and know I couldn't 
have left him being so vulnerable, but since he didn't live I decided 
it might be good therapy, and it was good for our home buying plans.  
But it was also exhausting and there were a couple of nights when I had 
serious panic attacks which I'm sure were due in part to the 
exhaustion, PPD anxiety and grief.

My Christmas dilemma is that we always send out a family picture with 
our Christmas card.  Most of the friends on my Christmas card list know 
about our loss.  I find I am dreading taking a family picture that 
doesn't include Gabriel.  It feels like it will seem empty and 
incomplete.  I don't want it to look like we are "same ol, same ol," 
because something very dramatically has changed our family.  Today, my 
daughter who will turn 17 tomorrow,  and who is a tradition monitor in 
our home, said, "When are we going to take our Christmas photo?"  I 
told her I'm not sure I can do it.  My 19 year old son cheerfully 
interjected, "I won't feel bad if we never take another family 
Christmas photo!"  It made me laugh because the Christmas photo-take is 
usually torture for all of us.  Someone is usually in a grumpy mood, 
Paul has very little patience for the whole thing, etc. and usually 
ends up scolding someone who then  has one of those forced, tortured 
smiles on their faces--even though we've had some great  years (like 
the year we took them underwater, or the year we spelled out J-O-Y with 
our bodies on the grass.)  Fortunately a very thoughtful nurse took a 
picture of all of us in the hospital that included our whole family, 
and I could send that with our card--but many have already seen it and 
I'm not sure it won't make people sad.  Someone could hold his 
picture--but that always seems kind of weird, or we could have a 
picture of him subtly in the background--not photo-shopped, too spooky, 
but a picture on the wall?.  I'm hoping to think of something to do 
that will feel right.  And also trying to think of the best way to tell 
those who don't know yet even that I was pregnant (or if I should tell 
them at all).

I have been thinking of going back to the counselor I saw shortly after 
Gabriel's diagnosis for grief counseling.  I appreciate some of the 
suggestions on the list in that regard.  My kids seem to be handling 
things well.  My six year old tells me almost daily that he misses 
Gabriel.  Which I really appreciate but which also makes me feel bad 
for him.  I would tell him that he will get to see Gabriel again 
someday, and he'd reply that he didn't want to wait which made me feel 
bad that he might be wishing his life away waiting to see Gabriel 
again.  Lately I've been telling him instead that Gabriel might be able 
to help us (like a guardian angel) if we need special help and that he 
is probably very busy in heaven, etc., etc. hoping that he might find 
some comfort through that.  My eight year old says something once in a 
while about Gabriel, but other than that--I'm the main one who brings 
him up.  Austin has a picture of my niece's baby on his cell phone and 
both he and Noelle talk a lot about how cute he is (six months old).  
Sometimes I wish they would talk about how cute Gabriel was. . .

Sorry I'm so long winded!  When it rains it pours!

Colleen

Wife to Paul, mom to Austin (19), Noelle (16), Ethan (11), Isaiah (8), 
Truman (6), and Gabriel (9-15-05 - 9-16-05)

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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