[tri-wings] Re: Platitudes

> OH MY GOSH!!!  It will always amaze me how people do not think  
> before they
> speak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Family or  
> not....NEVER
> EVER should such hurtful words be said.
Boy, do I agree with this.  But I have a totally different experience  
(outside of the family ones). Our family's comments were not good.   
Only my sister, my mom, and Dick's one brother were at all  
sympathetic.   My mom always commented that even though he took Hope,  
he gave Cheryl and Denny a double dose of a wonderful little girl  
when he gave them Ali.   I know she meant well, but I'm sure Cheryl  
felt like I did:  Ali is not Hope and Ali rolled into one no matter  
how active or smart she is.  And Ali can never take the place of  
Hope.  My mom cried and was very hurt when Hope died, and talked  
about her often, so we know that she missed her and didn't mean to  
hurt any of us.  (Even though it did hurt.)

Tracy is a small town.  About 2000 people.  But I had no idea how  
many moms had lost their children until Cheryl lost Hope.  I'd be  
walking in the grocery store, and someone would come up to me and  
just start talking.  I would listen with amazement at their stories.   
Most of them were my age or thereabouts.  A lot of them talked about  
never getting to see their child or hold it.  Most were taken away  
for burial before they were out of the hospital.  Their husbands or  
parents made all of the decisions.  Most of the time, the burial was  
just those who had made the arrangements and a pastor or priest.  And  
the mom had nothing to do with.  She was subdued with medicines.  I  
remember some of them by name, but many I really didn't know.  I  
didn't keep a diary of that although I wish I had.  That way, I'd be  
able to reciprocate.  They always ask how Cheryl is doing.  Only one  
young man Cheryl's age asks about her husband.  He also lost a little  
girl about a year before Cheryl and says that so often the dads get  
forgotten nowadays.  What a switch!  This fall on Hope's birthday, I  
had a friend just drop in to see how I was doing.   I was thrilled.   
She remembers that it is Hopes' birthday because it is their  
anniversary.

Whenever I see a brief notice in the paper about a baby dying, I want  
to sent a card or give them a call, even in towns up to 20 miles  
away.  But there are never any addresses, and the post office is a  
real stickler for having the correct address!  I always hurt with  
them even though they don't know it.

Hugs,
Sheila Helleson
Minnesota Grandma to:  Hope (T-18 ^i^ 11-1-1) & Alison; Cadence and  
Bridge
Mom to Cheryl (& Denny);  Wade (& Charity)
Wife to Richard for 35 years

"Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow."   
Swedish Proverb

Laughter and tears are the healing medicines of God.







                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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