[tri-wings] Re: (No subject) - Jennifer & Trisha

on 3/27/03 1:01 AM,Jennifer Merando wrote:

My mother and I also don't see I to eye on the loss of Zachary. ...
I know my mother has never had to bury a child, so I know she has no idea
where I am coming from, but I know she is trying to help in her own way.

Jennifer & Trisha,
I know that your moms might have never buried a child.  I haven't either.
But I have buried a grandchild and watched as my daughter and her husband
were being torn apart inside and out.  I hurt every time I see my daughter
in pain and every time I even think about her.  I cry regularly, not always
for my granddaughter, but for my daughter.  Just like you cry for your
child.  My pain is different.  I cry for both my daughter and my
granddaughter that I'll never get to watch blow out birthday candles.

There is no right way for a grandma to grieve either.  I have a very hard
time knowing what will help and what won't.  The only way your moms will
know is if you tell them - nicely, I hope.  Pick a time when you aren't
upset.  I know that it helps me most to know what my daughter is thinking
and going through.  I REALLY need to know how she feels.  And sometimes I
feel so shut out, but I know that that is the time when she needs privacy.

I try very hard to not tell her what to do.  She chose to stay home for 2 or
the 3 months that she had planned.  Many of our relatives (my brothers and
sisters in law) thought she could and should have gone right back to work -
to keep her mind off of things.  I never relayed those messages.  They also
think that she should get pregnant again - right away - also to get her mind
off of things.  I don't relay that either, but they do.  And since my
son-in-law is really struggling with grief now after a year and a half, he
is not ready to have another child.  So telling Cheryl to get pregnant isn't
helpful.  

Just hang in there.  Do what is best for you.  Don't get upset when they
tell you something.  It might not be coming from them, but from the people
that are giving them advise for you.  And DO talk to them to give them an
idea of how they can help you.  Your moms can be your best ally (boy, that
doesn't look like it is spelled right!) if you let them.

Good luck.

-- 
Sheila
MN Grandma to Hope  T-18  (11-1-1) and Cadence, 2 yrs today and blowing out
candles.  
 

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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