[tri-wings] Re: Melissa

Kay-
I have seen you reply several times to different emails. I am Melissa's
sister and wanted to let you know how much your supportive email ment  to me
and I know it will mean a lot to her also knowing that someone else does
understand and reassures her it is ok to feel the way she is feeling. Your
family will also be in my prayers along with all the others in you alls type
of position. Thanks again!!!
Julie
Aunt to Hannah March 18,2001

-----Original Message-----
From: tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx]On Behalf Of kay.y
Sent: Tuesday, July 31, 2001 3:36 PM
To: tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [tri-wings] Melissa


Hello Melissa

I answered something to your mother in law.  I did suggest she sit down and
talk to you both.  I just wanted to say that really.  I am a person that
would not say something behind someone else's back that I would not say to
their face (if that makes sense).  I am also a very upfront people and that,
in itself puts people off me. (what do I care!!).

I didnt judge you - but felt she (Naomi) should sit down and talk to you
both about how she feels.

Now, I would like to relate to your mail if that is ok with you.

>>>> . I walked into the hospital carrying my child and walked out
empty-handed. That is the most horrible feeling I can think of. I cannot
describe my pain that I felt through the loss of my child. <<<<

We all (most on list) walked into hospital expecting babies and walked out
with nothing, but the memories we have in our hearts, so I am sure we can
all relate to you there and the pain of loss of expectations and dreams.

>>> Let me just say that anyone
who has lost a child and tried to re-group knows that at a time when you are
trying so hard not to feel sorry for yourself you cannot possibly delve into
anyone else's self-pity. <<<<

I do not for one moment think someone grieving is feeling sorry for
themself.  Feeling sorry for onesself to me, insinuates someone self-pitying
when they have nothing to be sorry for or upset for.  I think you and your
mother -in-law are both hurting and it is real sad you (seem) to not feel
able to support eachother through this, by sharing your pain together.

>>>>While I acknowledge that everyone in our family has experienced a great
loss I also can acknowledge that no pain runs deeper than that of my own,
Hannah's mother.  <<<<

I do not believe - personally - that pain can be judged and a measure put on
it.  My daughter pointed out to me recently when I told her she could tell
someone about losing Kyle - that she would have anyway because he was very
much a part of her life as he is and was mine. Pain is immeasurable.

The thing with grief and loss, I think you will find, is when someone has
had other losses in their life and then another major one, ALL those losses
may come to the surface - even if the person does not realise it.  That is
also why grief and loss are very personal experiences.

>>>My husband and I tried to include the entire family in Hannah's birth and
death and allowed all of the grandparents, aunts, etc. to hold her during
the short time we we allowed with her.<<<

I know it is very hard to include people and at such a sad and traumatic
time especially if people do not want to be included - or dont know if they
want to be included.  You could and can only do what you feel you are able
to do.

>>>When someone loses a child you
cannot expect them to comfort others. It is hard enough to get up everyday
and go on with my life knowing I am a mother, but I cannot be with my
daughter.<<<


I do agree with you here - totally.  I couldnt agree more.

<<<I still have many blessings and I work to push out any self-pity >>>

You are not being self-pitying ! Grief and self-pity are TWO totally
different things.

<<Just dont expect a mother who has lost her child to comfort you. <<

You would be surprised just how many people would expect that.

>>>to have her taken from me so early in the game was the worst nightmare I
could have possibly imagined. <<<

It was ALL our worst nightmares Melissa.

I hope I havent offended you here, I just wanted to say I UNDERSTAND.
Take care. and ((HUGS))

Kay - Mum to Kyle Nathan T13 ( in heaven 18th April 2000) and Donna 19 yrs -
UK - England

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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