[tri-wings] Melissa

Hello Melissa

I answered something to your mother in law.  I did suggest she sit down and 
talk to you both.  I just wanted to say that really.  I am a person that would 
not say something behind someone else's back that I would not say to their face 
(if that makes sense).  I am also a very upfront people and that, in itself 
puts people off me. (what do I care!!).

I didnt judge you - but felt she (Naomi) should sit down and talk to you both 
about how she feels.

Now, I would like to relate to your mail if that is ok with you.

>>>> . I walked into the hospital carrying my child and walked out 
empty-handed. That is the most horrible feeling I can think of. I cannot 
describe my pain that I felt through the loss of my child. <<<<

We all (most on list) walked into hospital expecting babies and walked out with 
nothing, but the memories we have in our hearts, so I am sure we can all relate 
to you there and the pain of loss of expectations and dreams.

>>> Let me just say that anyone 
who has lost a child and tried to re-group knows that at a time when you are 
trying so hard not to feel sorry for yourself you cannot possibly delve into 
anyone else's self-pity. <<<<

I do not for one moment think someone grieving is feeling sorry for themself.  
Feeling sorry for onesself to me, insinuates someone self-pitying when they 
have nothing to be sorry for or upset for.  I think you and your mother -in-law 
are both hurting and it is real sad you (seem) to not feel able to support 
eachother through this, by sharing your pain together.

>>>>While I acknowledge that everyone in our family has experienced a great 
>>>>loss I also can acknowledge that no pain runs deeper than that of my own, 
>>>>Hannah's mother.  <<<<

I do not believe - personally - that pain can be judged and a measure put on 
it.  My daughter pointed out to me recently when I told her she could tell 
someone about losing Kyle - that she would have anyway because he was very much 
a part of her life as he is and was mine. Pain is immeasurable.

The thing with grief and loss, I think you will find, is when someone has had 
other losses in their life and then another major one, ALL those losses may 
come to the surface - even if the person does not realise it.  That is also why 
grief and loss are very personal experiences. 

>>>My husband and I tried to include the entire family in Hannah's birth and 
death and allowed all of the grandparents, aunts, etc. to hold her during the 
short time we we allowed with her.<<<

I know it is very hard to include people and at such a sad and traumatic time 
especially if people do not want to be included - or dont know if they want to 
be included.  You could and can only do what you feel you are able to do. 

>>>When someone loses a child you 
cannot expect them to comfort others. It is hard enough to get up everyday 
and go on with my life knowing I am a mother, but I cannot be with my 
daughter.<<<


I do agree with you here - totally.  I couldnt agree more. 

<<<I still have many blessings and I work to push out any self-pity >>>

You are not being self-pitying ! Grief and self-pity are TWO totally different 
things.

<<Just dont expect a mother who has lost her child to comfort you. <<

You would be surprised just how many people would expect that.

>>>to have her taken from me so early in the game was the worst nightmare I 
>>>could have possibly imagined. <<<

It was ALL our worst nightmares Melissa. 

I hope I havent offended you here, I just wanted to say I UNDERSTAND.
Take care. and ((HUGS))

Kay - Mum to Kyle Nathan T13 ( in heaven 18th April 2000) and Donna 19 yrs - UK 
- England   

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

Other related posts: