[tri-wings] Re: Mandy - Helleson feedback....Off Topic - very long, sorry

(((((((Mandy)))))))
I'm so sorry if you have felt forced to share all of this.  I know  
how hard that is, but I'm really glad that you did.  Not that it will  
do anyone any good, but it helps all of us to know the pressures that  
others are under.  And to be there to comfort even if not to help.
> On Jan 29, 2006, at 1:02 AM, "Mandy" <baby2angels2000@xxxxxxxxxxx>  
> wrote:
> . . . He has given us a list of funeral arrangements which are very  
> well thought out and precise.. . . Both Baz and I are convinced  
> that he has BPD but neither doctor or therapist like  
> "labels" !"!!!!!!!!!!!
This sounds like LouAnn's problems with JT.

>   Neither do I but I fail to see how we can get anywhere with a  
> constant refusal to admit to anything.So for now we continue to  
> bang our heads against brick walls and watch him slowly destroy  
> himself and those around him. . . .

This may sound very trite, but I know in part what you are going  
through.  I have been through this with both my husband and my son. I  
have watched my son literally bang his head against a brick wall.    
For the first thirty years of our marriage Dick would tell me several  
times a day that he just wanted to die.  He didn't want to face his  
problems, or mine, or anyone else's.  He would tell me how I would  
find him. He has been explosive in the past, but he has also been in  
in-patient treatment in 1991.  They told me at that time that he did  
not have BPD, even though there were times when he would work for two  
days straight without taking time to sleep and barely time to eat and  
other times that he would sleep for 4-5 days straight.  They said his  
problem was a fear of being around other people.  And for the life of  
me, I cannot remember the name of the "condition" they said he had  
right now.  However, in the last 2-3 years, Dick has been seeing  
heart specialists because he has had atrial fibrilation - an out of  
control heart beat - for a long time.  Last May they finally  
installed a pacemaker and a month later adjusted some meds.  They  
still have him on two antidepressants, but the change that I have  
seen in him since his heart has been back in rhythm and his meds are  
working has been nothing short of miraculous.  Our "family" doctor  
for 30 years just refused to listen when I kept telling him that  
something was wrong.  It wasn't until the 4th or 5th trip to the  
emergency room, and a change to a different doctor, that someone took  
notice.  I am extremely grateful for the specialists that he has  
right now that have been able to help him because that has caused  
such a wonderful atmosphere around here MOST of the time.  Of course,  
the lack of money still does send him spinning now and then.  :)

And my son went through a very painful time, too.  In fact, today was  
the anniversary of the day that I presumed it all started.  The day  
that the teacher, Mrs. McCaulaugh(?) had joined the space team and it  
exploded before our eyes.  Wade was home sick that day by himself and  
watched the whole thing.  However, I didn't pick up on that bit of  
info for many moons.  He was 9 years old.  And the atmosphere with  
his father's fear of living was attacking him, too.  One day I came  
home from work to find him on the roof of the house threatening to  
jump or fall to the cement in the driveway.  I finally talked him  
down, but spent the next several hours wondering what I would do next  
time.  That same winter, he tried to bury himself in a snowbank  
outside of our house.  Since we lived on a corner lot, the city  
always pushed the snow back and back so the intersection wouldn't be  
obstructed.  But that meant that there was a lot of snow in that  
corner.  And it was hard - yet they were adding to it every time they  
cleaned the streets.  I cannot remember how I found him.  I think I  
blocked it out.  But I did find him and dragged him back into the  
house - he didn't even have anything on his head or his hands.  I  
don't remember that he had a snowsuit on either.  And Minnesota snow  
is not warm!!  I remember holding him in the rocking chair, my arms  
constraining him, while I continually said, "I love you.  I don't  
want you to die."  Finally, he gave up from exhaustion.  I seemed to  
get more energy as he kept fighting.  We continued to have trouble.   
He missed a lot of school, but we finally got a referral to a doctor  
who actually took this seriously.  We all went to counseling, and I  
don't say that that was the turning point, but it didn't hurt.  It  
also gave my daughter a chance to unload.  It seems that we had done  
everything wrong in their eyes.  After a whole turnaround in his life  
in junior high school, Wade graduated 2nd in his class.  Something I  
had never thought would happen with the way things were going.  And  
he is now a teacher of 8 year olds (third grade).  He does a  
fantastic job - probably because of all of the "stuff" he has  
personally gone through.  I'm very proud of him.

Just know that I'm here for you any time you want.  I'm now on the  
disabled list, so I'm home most days.

Sheila Helleson
MN Grandma to Iowa and South Dakota grandchildren
Hope (T-18   11-1-1) & Alison; Cadence & Bridge
Mom to Cheryl (& Denny);  Wade (& Charity)
Wife to my complete support, Richard

"Those who wish to sing always find a song."  Swedish Proverb






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