[tri-wings] Leslie's 9th Angel Day-long

I don't know why but for some reason I am having a terrible time coping with 
Leslie's Birthday/Angel Day. She would have been 9 years old this coming Sunday 
November 20th. I posted awhile back about my sister wanting to have my nephew's 
baptism on that day. She was going to but at the last minute the priest 
couldn't do it so it has been moved up to saturday the 19th. In a way I am 
happy about that. But it also upsets me a bit. I had convinced my family that 
we should do something for Leslie's birthday along with Christian's baptism. We 
were going to do a balloon release. 9 pink balloons with tags attached for 
Leslie and we were going to release a blue balloon for Chris (my sister's FIL 
who passed away in August due to a terrible accident). Now since my sis has 
changed the baptism my family has decided to not do the balloon release. I am 
hurt and angry because of it. I thought that they finally understood how 
important it was for me to remember her (since she also shares a birthday with 
my Dad) but I guess I was wrong. I feel they were only going along with the 
idea to hush me up.
I think one of the other reasons I am having such a hard time this year is that 
my husband (who is not Leslie's father) and I have been trying for almost 6 
years to have a baby and so far we have not been successful. I constantly feel 
like I am being punished for my decisions that concerned Leslie. Thom doesn't 
understand why I get so emotional and he never will I guess. I know that I did 
the best I could with the information I had to go on when we got Leslie's 
Trisomy 9 diagnosis but I still feel like I didn't do everything in my power 
for her. I have a tremendous amount of guilt that has built up over the past 9 
years. I am having a really hard time being the only one in my small circle of 
friends that doesn't have a living child and I am the only one who has lost a 
child. I miss Leslie with all my heart and I think about her every day. This 
week has been extremely difficult and I really want it to be over with. Every 
time I think I have a handle on things something happens that sends me right 
back into a tailspin. I have been trying to do a scrapbook about Leslie, in 
hopes that maybe the people who see it will realize how important she is to me 
still 9 years later. I haven't even been able to bring myself to work on it in 
the past few weeks. I just wish I could go back in time and not make the same 
mistakes I made then. I wish there was such a thing as a second chance. 
I'm sorry for rambling, but I know that I can come here and vent to people who 
have been through much of the same thing and I won't be told to get over it and 
all the other stupid things people say. 
I will go back under my rock now. It seems the safest place to be...
Thanks for listening...it means alot.
Stacey
Mommy to an Angel
^i^ Leslie Serina ^i^
Trisomy 9  11-20-96
http://www.geocities.com/staceyfolkner/LeslieSerina.html
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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