[tri-wings] Jordan was a huge part of the day

Hi Everyone,

I want to share a wonderful story with you about my precious daughter.  Most
people would think Jordan's story would be very short only consisting with
her birth and death, but we know that our children's stories are endless.

My daughter Jasmine was about to turn 5 years old.  This year was going to
be her first big party.  Inviting her dance and soccer buddies along with a
few other friends.  We decided to have it at a park.  I reserved the same
gazebo pavillion that I had reserved for Jordan's first birthday.  That was
not the original plan, but how it ended up.  I put a great deal of work into
this party wanting it to be wonderful.  She was just so excited!  The count
down began months ago.  The closer it got the more excitement and
anticipation was shown by my daughter.  Just to see her face light up gave
me the motivation to work on this party, even though at the same time I was
a bit sad.  I realized the sadness stemmed from the fact that Jordan's 2
year birhday and Heaven day are coming up soon, and that I would never get
to see the excitement over a party on Jordan's face as I saw on Jasmine's.

Before the big day arrived, the weather was threatening the posibility of
rain.  The forecasts were going back and forth as to when it would rain, how
much, etc.  My husband one day said it looks like we may need to go to plan
B.  I said there is no plan B, we just have to pray plan A works.  I really
did not want her party to be rained out since she was so looking forward to
her big day for months.   A little while later, my daughter and I were in
the car.  I told her we needed to pray that it does not rain on your
birthday until after your party.  I could hear her back there talking about
God, brithday, and rain.  When I asked her who she was talking to she said
God.  She was so cute!

The big day arrived today, and the weather was absolutely beautiful!  My
husband suggested bringing Jordan's candle, I did not want to for some
reason, so I opted for a precious moments porcelain angel instead.  My
husband suggested bringing our boom box and some music.  Good idea, then he
adds do you know where the Tarzan CD, what we term Jordan's music, is?  Yes,
I reluctantly got it.  I wondered to myself why I am acting this way.  Me of
all people.  I am the one that likes to seize ever opportunity to talk about
Jordan.  I am the one that likes to seize ever opportunity to educate
people, and here I am the one dragging my feet.  Why?  I felt as if the real
me had been exchanged by some foreign being in my body.  I did not know how
to explain this, and I tried to tell myself if was so Jasmine would be the
center of attention on her big day.  I did not want to turn her day into an
education day.  I knew I was fishing and just kidding myself, because to me
I can do both.

We arrived at the park early to set up.  I had reserved the pavillion, and
when we arrived there was one girl there that looked like she was between
17-20 years old.  We began to talk, and I soon discovered that she was
special, others would call it mentally retarded or slow, but I like special.
Her name was Gwen.  I talked to her as I was setting up.  I found myself
wanting to be around her and yet wanting to fight the whole situation.
Again, I was surprising myself because almost immediately I knew this was a
sign from Jordan.  When I get a sign from Jordan, I grab ahold of it and I
do not let go.  So why was I clinging and pushing away at the same time?
She told me several times my daughter's were so pretty.  One time she was
talking to my son and saying that I have two daughters, my son replied no
she has three daughters.  Gwen said one, two counting to show there were
only two, so my son said, the third one is in Heaven.  She was a very sweet,
polite, well behaved, happy, kind, child like girl.  She related well to my
children.  She liked the same music they did, same ideas, etc.  It was
funny, but most adults would have felt uncomfortable with all these people,
and would have immediately left.  Yet she did not feel that way.  She made
herself fit right in, and no one thought she did not belong.  She was very
comfortable amongst all the strangers.   At times she fit in so well, I
forgot she was there.  During cake time, I asked her if she would like a
piece of cake and ice cream.  She gladly accepted.  At pinata time, she just
wanted to watch, but later I found out she had asked my son for one of the
rings he had gotten from the pinata.  He gave her one.  I was so proud of
him when I heard about it, and told him so.  My son and her helped each
other pour themselves a coke.  After presents were open, and things were
winding down, I saw that she had pulled several bracelts out of her back
pack.  They were all made of black yarn with a silver star pendant on them.
They were all untyed, and she was tying one of them.  She told me she had
something for my daughter as well.  She handed me the bracelet.  I told her
it was beautiful, and that it was so sweet and kind of her to do that.  I
suggested that she give it to my daughter herself, and told her that she
would love it.  Towards the end of the party one woman asked Gwen if she was
a friend, relative, etc. to our family.  Gwen said she was a friend.  I
smiled and thought how sweet.   After everyone had left, Gwen said she
better go too.  I asked her if she would like to take some cake and a
bottled drink home?  She said yes.  We said our good-byes, and she started
walking home.  I watched her off and on for a few minutes, as she started
her walk home.  Then the next time I turned around she was gone.

I told my husband later that I felt Gwen was a sign from Jordan.  He nodded.
Later when the kids and my husband and I were talking about the party, and
who all showed up, my husband said Jordan invited a friend to the party as
well, referring to Gwen.  Gwen also was an invaluable learning experience
for my children.  We talked about how special Gwen was, and they asked many
questions.

Jordan was a huge part of the party.  Not only with Gwen, but in other ways
as well.  A friend of ours that came had on Jordan's angel pin that he had
received last year for her birthday party.  I noticed it right away and told
him that was so sweet of him to wear it.  Then at the end of the party when
I was giving away the balloons, one little girl lost her balloon.  My
husband said what I was thinking, the balloon is going to Jordan.  I had
just one more let to give the little girl.  So everyone got a balloon,
including Jordan.

It was not until the evening as I was trying to sleep that the light bulb
came on, and I realized why I was acting the way I was.  Jasmine's party
brought out the pain of not being able to watch Jordan so happy and excited
at her birthday's.  I just wanted to fight the fact that she was really
dead.  I just did not want to believe Jordan's 2 year was coming up, and I
am still trying to figure out how to make hers special.  Wishing the whole
time, it was going to be celebrated and planned differently than what
reality really is.  I did not want signs all day, I wanted her!!

I feel much better just knowing why I was acting the way I was, and for
sharing my day with all of you.

Take care, Jan(Proud mother of Jordan), Jonathan-8 years old, Jasmine-4 1/2
years old, and Jillian born 11-29-00(Proud siblings of Jordan), and
John(Proud daddy of Jordan)

Our love is not measured by the time we had, but by what will be felt in our
hearts forever.
http://pages.prodigy.net/janjohn83/jordan.htm
Jordan's Page - Born/Died July 5, 1999













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