[tri-wings] I will get into your bucket!

I found this today on another site (look below my signature) that I belong to 
and I felt that it is so appropriate to share with each and everyone of you.  
With each of us at different stages of grieving, this is so appropriate and may 
even be appropriate to pass on to those friends and family members that either 
don't know what to say or we think just don't get it.  Have a great weekend 
everyone and enjoy!
Love,

Darcy - Mommy to my angel Savannah Kristyne (T-18 ^i^ 12/12/00 - 6/15/01) and 
wife to my incredible soulmate Don!

Who Gets in Your Bucket?--by Doug Manning



The best way I know to picture how we receive help from others in grief is to 
imagine you are holding a bucket. The size and color doesn't matter. The bucket 
represents the feelings bottled up inside of you when you are in pain. If you 
have suffered a loss, hold the bucket and think through how you feel right now. 
If you are reading this to learn more about helping others, then imagine what 
would be in your bucket if a loved one had died very recently. What is in your 
bucket?

Fear. Will I survive? What will happen to me now? Who will care for me? Who 
will be with me when I need someone near? Most likely your bucket is almost 
full just from the fear. But there is also:

Pain. It is amazing how much physical pain there is in grief. Your chest hurts, 
and you can't breathe. Sometimes the pain is so intense your body refuses to 
even move. There is enough pain to fill the bucket all by itself.

Sorrow. There is devastating sadness; overwhelming sorrow. A gaping hole has 
been bitten out of your heart and it bleeds inside your very soul. You cry 
buckets of tears and then cry some more.

Loneliness. There is no lonely like that felt when you are in a room full of 
people and totally alone at the same time. Loneliness alone can fill any bucket 
ever made.

I could go on, but that's enough to get the idea across, and hopefully get you 
started thinking through your own list. What is in your bucket?

Now picture someone like me approaching you and your bucket. I also have a 
bucket. My bucket is full of explanations. I am armed and ready to explain why 
your loved one had to die, how they are now better off and how you should feel.

I am also well equipped with new ways to look at your loss. In politics they 
call that "spin doctoring," but most human beings seem to know this skill by 
instinct.

I have almost a bucketful of comforting words and encouraging sayings. I can 
also quote vast amounts of scriptures. I seem to favor the ones that tell you 
not to grieve.

So we face each other armed with full buckets. The problem is, I don't want to 
get into your bucket. Yours is scary. If I get in there, you might start crying 
and I may not be able to make you stop. You might ask me something I could not 
answer. There is too much intimacy in your bucket. I want to stand at a safe 
distance and pour what is in my bucket into yours. I want the things in my 
bucket to wash over your pain like some magic salve to take away your pain and 
dry your tears. I have this vision of my words being like cool water to a dry 
tongue, soothing and curing as it flows.

But your bucket is full. There is no room for anything that is in my bucket. 
Your needs are calling so loudly there is no way you could hear anything I say. 
Your pain is far too intense to be cooled by any verbal salve, no matter how 
profound.

The only way I can help you is to get into your bucket, to try to feel your 
pain, to accept your feelings as they are and make every effort to understand. 
I cannot really know how you feel. I cannot actually understand your pain or 
how your mind is working under the stress, but I can stand with you through the 
journey. I can allow you to feel what you feel and learn to be comfortable 
doing so. That is called, "Getting into your bucket."

I was speaking on "Guilt and Anger in Grief " to a conference of grieving 
parents. I asked the group what they felt guilty about. I will never forget one 
mother who said, "All the way to the hospital, my son begged me to turn back. 
He did not want the transplant. He was afraid. I would not turn back, and he 
died."

I asked her how many times someone had told her that her son would have died 
anyway. She said, "Hundreds." When I asked her if that had helped her in any 
way she said, "No."

I asked her how many times she had been told that she was acting out of love 
and doing the right thing. She gave the same two responses. "Many times" and 
"No, it did not help."

I asked her how many times she had been told that God had taken her son for 
some reason, and she gave the same responses--"Many" and "No help."

I asked how many times someone had told her that it had been four years since 
her son's death and it was time to "Put that behind you and get on with your 
life." This time she responded with great anger that she had heard that from 
many well-meaning people, including family members, and that it not only did 
not help, it added to her pain and made her angry.

What I was really asking her is, "How many people have tried to pour their 
buckets into yours?"

I then said, "Would it help if I hugged you and said 'that must really hurt'?"

She said, "That would help a great deal. That would really help."

Why would that help? Because I was offering to get into her bucket with her and 
to be in her pain, instead of trying to salve over her pain with words and 
explanations.

If you are in pain, find someone who will get into your bucket. Most of the 
time these folks are found in grief groups or among friends who have been 
there. It is not normal procedure. It is hard to swallow our fears and climb 
into your bucket.

If you are reading this to find ways to help others in grief, then lay aside 
your explanations and your words of comfort. Forget all of the instructions and 
directions you think will help, and learn to say, "That must really hurt." I 
think that is the most healing combination of words in the English language. 
They really mean, "May I feel along with you as you walk through your pain?" 
"May I get into your bucket?"

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

Other related posts: