[tri-wings] Re: I DID IT!!

Deanna wrote:
>That seems to happen a lot here, and it's ok.  That's why we are here.  I
think the tears are cleansing and helpful.  It lets us feel, which is
something that goes numb for a while.  I hope tomorrow isn't to hard for
you, when it is you know where you can come.<

Thanks Deanna.  I know we have all experienced the same pain here and that
is what helps.  I know that there are people out there that understand where
I am coming from.  It is just crazy that sometimes I feel totally fine and
then it just hits me like a ton of bricks.  

Tomorrow Chad and I are taking a trip to Destin, FL with some friends for
the holiday, so hopefully that will keep our minds off the loss and we can
concentrate on the good memories.  Sometimes it seems that the scary moments
overwhelm the good times.  I find myself drifting off in thought thinking
about that last night when I lay beside her watching her sleep.  If only I
knew it was the last.  I wonder if she was ever in pain when I didn't know
it or if she endured pain just to stay with us.  She fought so hard and we
knew she didn't want to go.  The Friday before she passed we had a visit
from the Hospice nurse who was marveling at how well she was doing.  She
couldn't believe how much she had been growing and how good her vitals were.
She was just so alert and color was perfect despite her many heart defects.
Then, all of the sudden, she stopped breathing in the nurses arms.  She told
me to get the oxygen while she tried to revive her.  The nurse couldn't get
her back so she placed her in my arms and told me she was gone.  I noticed
Ashley gasp once and the nurse told me it was just left over air in her
lungs, but the gasps continued and after 5 minutes of no heart beat or
breath Ashley came back to us.  The nurse said she had witnessed a miracle.
I believe that every minute with Ashley was a miracle and she fought back to
say goodbye to her Daddy.  After that we couldn't take her off the oxygen
which she never used before, so Chad and I stayed with her in the living
room.  I could also tell she was in pain because she started crying more
frequently and she never used to cry.  The Dr decided to give her some
Morphine to slow down her respirations and to ease any discomfort.  After
that, she was never the same.  A close friend of ours is a nurse and came to
the house insisting that Chad and I get a few hours of sleep.  Two hours
after we lay down she awoke us to tell us Ashley was not doing well.  She
stopped breathing again and Chad made the decision to revive her.  Of course
she fought back, but she was really struggling.  So, we had to make the
decision to let her go.  It was so peaceful in that room.  The presence of
God was so evident, but I will never forget having to say goodbye to my baby
or how I felt when they took her from my arms.  She had fought so hard, but
the battle had become too hard for her.  So now she is heaven with Jesus and
all of our special angels.  I know she is looking down at me right now
saying, "Mommy, please don't cry....there are no tears in heaven."

I greatly apologize if what I have written above causes anyone any undue
pain.  I just had to release that and it has been very therapeutic.  You
guys have all been so supportive and I want to thank you from the bottom of
my heart.  I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't stumbled across
this list and been able to share my thoughts and feelings with such a
wonderful group of people.

Blessings,
 
Tiffany-Mommy to Ashley Grace-Our Sweet Baby Girl (Tetrasomy 9,
1/20/04-3/28/04) and wife to Chad 

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is
received with thanksgiving..." 1Tim 4:4 NIV



                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
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