[tri-wings] Heavy Heart

Hi Everyone,

My mind is racing and my emotions are high.  Maybe all this got started
yesterday when I saw
people I have not seen in over a month and a half, and that length of time
was not long enough.  I
will also have to see those same people in a few hours, and am definitely
not looking forward to it.
I would much rather go to the dentist.   Maybe it also did not help that my
own brother did
something that was just plan stupid.  It got the thought process going about
how much mine and
John's family have let me down and disappointed me very much.  Also, mine
and John's two
friends we have had forever are looking very much like they are going to be
added to that list of no
longer our friends.  You know those friends that were there before your
angel died, and through
time have vanished.  Yes, I have high expectations from people, or so it
seems.  I did not think
common caring and compassion was expecting a great deal, but seems it is.
Sometimes I wish I
had my husband's attitude of not having expectations of others because then
you do not get hurt or
offended.  I realized though, that for me that would be settling for status
quo or mediocrity, both are
unacceptable to me.  To me it is like when a parent has expectations of
their children to treat
people nicely, with respect, etc.  We teach those things because we feel
they are the right way to
behave.

I am motivated by a dream I have had shortly after Jordan's death.  That
dream is that someday,
when a parent loses a child, they will be surrounded by only people that
will support, love, and
show them compassion. They will not have the stares, the hurtful comments,
or the lack of
acknowledgment that their baby or pain exist.  I have to laugh sometimes
about all this because
before Jordan was born, I did not have much faith in people and thought most
are motivated by a
narcissistic attitude, and to some extent I still feel this way, but I see
the potential in people.  It is
kinda like at times when I see the potential one of my children has, and the
wonderful feeling I get
when they see it as well.  I am waiting for that wonderful feeling when
others finally see the
potential they have at being able to let go of their fears and be the
compassionate people I feel
they are capable of being.  A psychologist once said the best cure for
depression is doing
something nice for someone else.  I would have to agree with that.  When I
am at a low point, it
never fails to brighten my day knowing I helped someone else, no matter how
small.  I guess it
even makes me have a little skip to my walk because it brings my closer to
Jordan.   I feel I am the
instrument being put to use to carry out the mission of one tiny little
girl.  That tiny little girl was not
here on earth very long, but continues to make a difference in this world.
I hope others see that
when they help us in our journey and help lighten our load with their
kindness that they can make
themselves feel so much better.  If there was some way people could see
their potential this would
be a much kinder and gentler nation as the former President Bush would say.

My husband and I went and saw the movie Planet of the Apes yesterday.  In
that movie the Apes
roared and growled at people to get their attention and let them know of
their displeasure.  After
seeing that movie, it made me want to go and roar and growl at several
people I know.  It also
made me hungry for bananas as well, do not know why though.  (LOL).  Sorry
could not resist the
temptation.

My daughter has made me see so much clearer and has taught me so much.
Sadly, I should have
been teaching her, but she has definitely taught me more than I could have
ever taught her.  You
know this month actually started out on a high note.  Last year I was
dreading July because it was
so painful for me to once again be celebrating a milestone without her.
Jordan was born on July
5th, and I associated July 4th and all its celebrating as painful.  Her
actually day last year was
wonderful.  It was the leading up to that was hard.  This year I embraced
the holiday because it
symbolized to me the celebration of my precious daughter's birth.  I
decorated her grave this year
with red, white, and blue, and enjoyed shopping for the things as well.
Something I could not do
last year.  When people tell me their baby is due in July, I beam with pride
and tell them that is a
wonderful month to be born in.  I guess now that the month is coming to a
close I feel as if I am
leaving Jordan behind in some way.  I have been more emotional and overly
sensitive since
yesterday.

I know that this e-mail probably makes little sense.  I have not given all
the details just touched on
them.  I feel you probably came into the middle of a movie and are trying to
figure out what is going
on in the plot of the story.  If I had given all the details, I am sure I
would have overloaded the
server.  (LOL)  I could not sleep, and just needed to vent.  It just hurts
my heart to see any of my
children not being treated fairly, but I guess I get more protective and
sensitive when it comes to
Jordan because she is not here to defend herself.  I like to feel I can be
her voice.  I guess in some
strange way, I was hoping for great things from people this month, and was
very disappointed.  My
heart is heavy right now, but I pray I find someone that I can lighten their
load in life.  In doing so,
Jordan's love will be radiating all around.  For it is her short life that
continues to accomplish so
much, and makes a difference.

Well pray I do not growl at these people I am about to see, but then again
maybe they need to be
roared at once in a while.  (LOL)

Take care, Jan(Proud mother of Jordan), Jonathan-8 years old, Jasmine-5
years old, and Jillian born 11-29-00(Proud siblings of Jordan), and
John(Proud daddy of Jordan)

Our love is not measured by the time we had, but by what will be felt in our
hearts forever.
http://pages.prodigy.net/janjohn83/jordan.htm
Jordan's Page - Born/Died July 5, 1999












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