[tri-wings] Re: He hit me, what do I do?

<<My first husband hit me only once or twice in a couple of years
but then towards the end of my marriage it got a lot lot more. He
cried and apologised every time he did it and I believed he was
sorry but it never ended.>>

Trisha,

Sharon's right.  I divorced my "alcoholic" hitter after only two
years, and before we had any kids, but my sister didn't.....It's a
classic pattern.

Yes he is under a lot of stress, but that doesn't excuse violence,
unless you hit him first.  Then maybe.....

But what usually ends up happening is the man denies he has a real
problem, and wants to cover it up.  So he won't get counseling.
And he won't want you telling someone either probably.  So be careful.

He'll apologize, and say it will never happen again.....until the next
time he's had a bad day at work, or drank just a little too much....or
the neighbor's dog barked too loud and kept him awake, or, or, or...and
then the incidents start getting a bit closer together....and the hits
get just a bit harder....or there's a kick....or a squeezed arm that
leaves a bruise.  And he makes excuses, and you make excuses...rinse
and repeat......

This is what happens, and it escalates, unless something (counseling
maybe) breaks the cycle.  But even that doesn't always work.

At least you're telling someone about it, so it's documented.  My sister
didn't.  Not for 33 yrs of being progressively verbally belittled, and
physically abused.  Both her and the children.  She didn't think anyone
would believe her.  He was a professional man, and well respected in
their congregation and community.  And mom liked him.  And a good
Christian wife stays with her husband, "for better or worse".  But as the
years passed, it just got "for worse".  Everything was her fault.....or the
kids....or the dog....or the cat...  When the girls were all grown, and in
dysfunctional relationships of their own, and he started being abusive to
the granddaughters, she finally talked to someone down at the women's
shelter.
She was given handouts on "The Cycle of Violence".

He'd already been leaving bruises for years.  She got a digital camera,
took
pictures of them, and e-mailed them to me, along with a statement.  She
also
sent Polaroid's to our step dad, and a friend in another state.  If
something
had happened to her, this was proof of his capabilities.  But she didn't
let him know about it.  That would have likely pushed him over the edge.

Eventually she had the opportunity to "escape", and she grabbed it and ran.
And because we knew what was happening, we helped her get away from him and
denied knowing where she was until she was safe.  When he did locate her,
living clear across the country when she filed divorce proceedings, he
begged
her to come back, "he knew he was wrong, and he was a changed man".  He
even
sent her flowers.  She didn't fall for it though.  And he was living in
another
state and married to someone else before the ink was dry on the divorce
papers.

She's much happier now.  Oh he still calls her occasionally to tell her
what
a @&#*+ his new wife is.....and so the cycle probably will continue....

Fawna









                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

Other related posts: