[tri-wings] Fw: Jordans story (really long)

many of you have asked to read Jordans story. here it is.
the only pictures I have are of her garden that I have built in memory of her, 
I can only imagine that she would look like my other 2 girls.

----- Original Message -----
From: DaLiece Hicks
Sent: Tuesday, April 23, 2002 9:29 PM
To: Yahoo! Groups; Chera; DebbieC; Edie; Jaleen; Jennifer; Jodi; Julie; Laura; 
Linda; Misty; Tracy
Subject: Jordans story (really long)

We found out in Sept that I was pg, we were shocked, this wasn't planned, and 
we weren't sure if we wanted another child. We have 3 and our youngest is 
really sick, I could not take care of another sick child. after discussing our 
options at length we decided to add one more to our family. We were hoping for 
a boy. that would give me 2 boys and 2 girls and my dh 3 boys and 3 girls. So 
we came to accept and look forward to another baby. I started buying things 
immediately - after all we had saved nothing from before. Every time we went to 
a store my girls and I would go look at baby stuff and talk about what we 
wanted. I had everything picked out from the bottles to cribs. we had bought 
the car seat, stroller, swing and playpen. A friend had given me a crib. By 
Christmas I was deciding what to buy her for next Christmas. I had had 3 doctor 
visits by Christmas and I had not gained any weight, but the dr didn't seem 
concerned, our baby had a strong heartbeat and was growing. On Jan 4 we had our 
routine 20 week ultrasound. I was so hoping to find out if we were having a 
girl or boy. What we did find out was the baby had Choroid Plexus Cysts on her 
brain and she wouldn't move her left wrist. The dr sent us to the hospital for 
a level II ultrasound, my husband met me at the hospital on Wed Jan 9. The dr 
that did the u/s said he saw nothing wrong, he did see the cysts but there was 
no blockage and this would not be a problem. He did agree that she would not 
straighten her left wrist but it wasn't life threatening. she moved all her 
toes and fingers. everything measured appropriate to each other. He said he did 
not see any "classical" symptoms of Trysomy. Until he did the over all 
measurements. She measured 2 weeks to small. He still didn't think it was 
anything serious, probably just a due date miscalculation. but he suggested an 
amnio to be sure. I remember the nurse handing me the vials and asking me to 
confirm that it was my name on them, I was thinking why? they are not going to 
find anything wrong. I truly in my heart did not believe anything was wrong. I 
felt that my due date was wrong, the timing when they said I got pg my dh and I 
said was not possible, and everything I felt was about 2 weeks behind everyone 
else - first kicks, maternity clothes ect. On Monday Jan 14, my husband picked 
up the kids and made dinner and I was looking forward to coming home and 
watching the first episode of Ally Mcbeal with Jon Bon Jovi. I walked in the 
door, and my husband handed me the phone and said it was the hospital, I was 
given the news that the initial test indicated Trysomy 18. I asked what that 
meant and she said the baby wouldn't live. I was devastated!!! We went the next 
day and met with the genetics counselor who gave us our options. We were told 
that about 95% of T18 babies died before birth, of the ones that are born alive 
about 98% die within hours and the rest will die by their first birthday. Since 
Jordan had a really strong heart she would probably be born alive, however, the 
hospital would initiate a DNR and they would do nothing for her, the only thing 
I could do was hold her and watch her die. I couldn't let my little angel 
suffer like that, our option was to terminate the pg. We were told it would be 
done at memorial hospital and I would deliver her and get to see her and hold 
her. When I talked to my OB on Wed she said she would call the hospital and set 
it up for the following Tuesday. I had finally started to accept what was 
happening, and had the courage to take the baby things back to the store. My OB 
called me that evening to inform me, that because I was over 21 weeks the 
hospital would not let us terminate, I would have to go to an abortion clinic 
in Boulder. Everything started crashing. I called Michelle, our genetics 
counselor the next day, she sat with me and called the clinic, and she got all 
the insurance approval for me, at this point my OB was out of the picture, that 
weekend was terrible, all I wanted was for Jordan to quit moving, I kept 
thinking if she would die on her own we could do this at the hospital here, but 
that didn't happen. My husband kept telling me I needed to talk to her and tell 
her what was happening. At the time I thought he was crazy but now I am glad I 
did. the following Tuesday morning we left for Boulder, our appointment was at 
12:30. We sat in that clinic for three hours listening to them go over the 
"procedure". When we went back on Wednesday morning, they injected the shot 
that stopped Jordans heart. I never felt her move again, they proceeded to 
insert the laminaria to start the dilation. I was given no pain medication, 
just Tylenol and told to come back the next day. We went back on Thursday 
morning to have the laminaria removed and replace. I was hurting pretty bad, I 
was given a shot of Demerol and told to come back Friday at 11:30 for the 
"procedure" well Friday morning at 5:30 my water broke and the contractions 
started. we waited until the clinic opened at 8:00 to call, we were told to 
come in. We got there about 9:00, I was given a shot of demerol and an IV with 
Pitocin. Since my husband was not allowed to be with me and we did not know how 
long I would be there I told him to leave and spend some time by himself. by 
10:45 I had dilated as far as they wanted, When the dr was taking her I kept 
closing my eyes and tried so hard to not feel the pain, but he kept telling me 
to open my eyes so he knew I was ok - I was not ok - he was taking my baby!!! 
it was all over by 11:15. I laid in recovery for 2 hours then the dr came in 
asked how I felt and told me I could go home. I called my husband and we went 
back to the hotel. it was over, there was no baby, no footprints, no hospital 
bracelet nothing, it was like she never existed. the whole week I kept thinking 
when I get home my Ob will call and take care of me. I still can't believe we 
were treated like this was nothing more than a "procedure"  My husband was 
never allowed to be with me, it was so cold and clinical I could not believe I 
was doing this. We came home on Saturday. Monday I went back to work. nobody 
called me or came to visit, my OB didn't call me until Friday to see how I was. 
I had an appointment the following Friday for a follow up - my follow up 
consisted on a 20 minute lecture on how to get my children involved in helping 
me and what my priorities should be, she gave me the names of 2 counselors but 
admitted she didn't know what their specialty was but I could call them if I 
felt I needed counseling (she made it seem like that was a weakness) this was 
deinately not her area of compassion you would expect more from an OB. she then 
gave me a shot for birth control and said I will see you in 3 months for 
another shot. So between her and the clinic, I was really made to feel like 
Jordan was not a baby, just something they removed from my body. I was not 
given any information on what I should or should not feel, what i could or 
could not do. nothing!!! I had to find my own way of dealing with this. the 
only way to cope was to drink and I did that all day long. after about 6 weeks, 
my husband made me go to see our family doctor, I figured they would treat me 
the same way but I went. Boy was I wrong, I saw the physicans assistant which I 
usually see. She started me on Antidepressants, she made sure I had access to 
counseling, and books. Our regular Dr called me and wanted a follow up in 5 
days, at that point he started me on anti anxiety medicine. he has since 
changed my anti depressants 3 times trying to find the right combination, he 
truly seems to care and that feels good. I know Jordan was not planned but she 
was wanted so very much!!! I have a long road of healing ahead of me.  
If you are still reading this "thank you" it feels good to tell her story.

DaLiece
mommy to Jordan T18 01/25/02

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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