[tri-wings] Re: Erin and Shanna

> This is something so different than what most experience in life.   
> Its different that losing a parent or a friend.  Others try to  
> understand but losing a child is just like no other.

Dear Erin and Shanna,
   First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss, Shanna.  I agree with  
Erin.  It is very different than losing a parent or a friend.  With  
your child, you will grieve "what could have been".  With a parent or  
a friend, your grief is mostly because you will miss them.  (I think  
that is what I mean.)  When my dad passed away in 1999, I was ready  
for it.  I had been by his side for 9 months or so.  I watched him  
grow more weary every day.  And I knew that he had had a good, long  
life.  He lived to be 83, almost 84.
   But when my granddaughter Hope was stillborn at full term, I was  
crushed.  I couldn't imagine my life without this little one that I  
had so longed for.  And I hurt equally as bad for my daughter whose  
pain I couldn't take away.  That double whammy was way too much for  
me.  It has been over 5 years and I still cry for Hope almost every  
day.  Her sister Alison seems to lessen the pain, but only because  
she is so much fun.  She doesn't replace Hope.  Ali is Ali.
   But now, my mom's death is something very different than either my  
dad's or Hope's or my grandmothers' (who both lived with my family  
and I was very close to).  I was very close to my mom.  We talked on  
the phone - sometimes five or six times - every day.  I took her  
almost everywhere that she went.  I don't wish her back.  She had  
been living with pain for so long.  But for the last couple of  
months, she seemed so happy.  And I couldn't help her through the  
toughest part.  My grief seems to be based on a broken promise.  I  
promised her that I would not let them discontinue treatment.  But,  
there was nothing that was working, and my brother and sister agreed  
with the doctors.   We had to stop filling her body with fluids that  
were not going anywhere.  I wish I would have talked to her one last  
time by myself - just to make sure that she understood.  I let the  
doctor tell me that she had agreed, but I don't know that.
   I started this note with the thought in my mind that I had had a  
really good day yesterday and could talk about this without getting  
emotional.  Well, that didn't work.  The tears are flowing freely.   
I'm so sorry.

   I have experienced many kinds of grief, I guess, but none of them  
is like losing a child.  I only know what it is like to lose a  
granddaughter.  I pray that you will be able to share your feelings  
and ask lots of questions on this board.  I see that many have  
already responded to you, and I'm glad they have.  Take care of  
yourself, too.

Hugs,
Sheila Helleson

MN Grandma to:  Hope (T-18   11-1-1) & Ali G. (2.75 years but so  
grown up); Cadence (6) and Bridge (3.25)
Mom to Cheryl (& Denny);  Wade (& Charity)
Wife to Richard for 35 years

"Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow."   
Swedish Proverb





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