[tri-wings] Re: Emotions

georgiann,
we had tyler with us for four 4 months and we lived every day of his life as 
if he would be one of the few  long term survivors.  that is the only way we 
could manage to live and look after tyler to the best of our ability and do 
what we thought was best for him.  the night he died his body temperature 
was a bit low.  in retrospect, cooling of his extemities could have 
signalled his heart failing but we kept him home as we felt he only had a 
cold.  we had been in contact with his community nurse and she said just 
monitor him, he sounds ok. around 4 am i woke up because he had missed his 
usual diaper change and he was gone. almost every single day since 28 
november 2004, i relive the moment we knew he was gone. it is truly awful 
but now i find it has become more manageable.  it took me until just 
recently to tell people details of how he died because i felt guilt that i 
had not taken him to the hospital, that things could have been different.

  i guess my point is this-grief takes so much time to work through/around/ 
with  and there do not seem to be any shortcuts.  the depth of your pain is 
an indicator of how much you loved lauren and i do not imagine that there is 
anything that you would not have done for her. just as i believe tyler knows 
how much he was loved and cherished and is now somewhere where he 
understands things on a different level than those of us left behind, i am 
sure lauren knows how much she was loved and would not want you to punish 
yourself with guilt. (that being said, guilt is a normal part of grieving).

i was also able to talk about tyler after we lost him and seem to be ok from 
the outside. i spoke at his memorial service for about 5 minutes about what 
he and his short life meant to us as a family.  looking back, i am not sure 
how i did that.  shock, coping mechanism?  who knows.  again, i think it is 
just part of dealing with such a crushing loss.  enough from me, i just 
wanted to say that you are not alone in how you feel and react.  we are very 
sorry for the pain you feel and the loss of your precious lauren

with love,
pam, darrell, kira abbey and our t 13 angel tyler
salem ontario 


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