[tri-wings] Re: Emotions

Georgiann,
I can really relate to everything that you wrote.  I just lost my son Tyler
on March 3, 2006 to T-18.  I played the what if game over and over and over
again. What if I made a different decision, did that doctors do the right
things. ect...   I finally realized that I cant change anything that has
happened and it will only ruin me if I what if myself over and over.  In
fact it made my mind go crazy from all the what ifs.  I think it has taken
me a couple of months but I finally just let all the what ifs go.
I think right after we lose a child it is very normal to question everything
we did or didnt do.  We want to make sure we did everything for our child.
But you are a great mother and you loved your daughter.  She knew that then
and she knows that now.

I too was mess on the inside but to everyone else I was doing well.  I
finally have made it to a place where my insides have caught up with my
outside and I am doing pretty well.  In fact amazingly well.  Sometimes I
feel guilty because I am doing well and I dont think about my son as much
anymore. But I found that I have to heal and part of that healing is to not
think about the grief so much.  When I think about my son it is hard.  My
counselor said there is no way you can think about TYler all the time.  YOu
will not function in life if you do that.  She is right.  If I dont think
about other things, I will just be overwhelmed with grief.  But it is very
hard for me to accept that its okay to not think about him so much.  I still
feel guilty at times.

Erin
Mother to Tyler Joel 3/3/06 t-18angel



-----Original Message-----
From: tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:tri-wings-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx]On Behalf Of Georgiann Duggan
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2006 5:17 AM
To: TreasuredMemories@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx; tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [tri-wings] Emotions


Hello everyone,

I am not sure if this will even make any sense, but I thought I would ask
for your help/opinions/advice..

As most of you know Lauren, who just turned 3 on April 4th, passed away on
April 27th..  I am having an extremely hard time, although talking to me,
you probably wouldn't know it..

Talking to others I am very composed and I can tell anyone that I know
Lauren is in a better place and that I am very happy she is not suffering
anymore...  which I absolutely believe..  However, I am a mess inside and I
am finding that I cannot even talk about her more that a few minutes...
Every time I really start thinking about her I become a mess and cannot even
get my thoughts together..  Which is starting to happen now, so please bear
with me....

I get so upset when I starting thinking about her or praying to her all I
can do is say that I am sorry to her and I wish I would have done more
whiile I had her....  I feel like we just took for granted that she had
lived so long and we acted like she was never going to leave us, even though
we knew it could happen.  I am overwhelmed with this guilt and I am going
crazy...

I wish when I thought about and prayed to her that it would be wonderful
thoughts....  But I cannot get stop saying I am sorry, I miss you and I love
you.....  I can't say anything else...  I wish I would have held her more,
read to her more, played with her more..  everything....  People are
constantly saying that she was very lucky because we did so much with her..
But if I knew or realized that her time here was going to end I would have
had her by my side at all times.  I am constantly thinking, what if I would
have done things differently..

I am also afraid of what she is thinking of me..  Does she look down on me
and think - I wish my Mommy did more...

I know Steve and I were good parents to Lauren, and I cannot even express
all of the love I had for her..  I miss her so much, I would give anything
to have her back... but I still think - what if -

Well, at this point, I really can't even see the screen..

Thank you for listening!!

Georgiann
(Mommy to Emily 5, Matthew almost 1 and our angel Lauren  - and wife to
Steve)

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