[tri-wings] Re: Dealing with other people and your grief

Hi Maya,
It is a strange process this "grief journey" I know. I too was shocked by the 
reactions of most people. Those I thought would be my rocks, were not and those 
I never knew I could count on, were holding me up. 

You are not wrong to feel hurt by anything, it is ok and the fact that you 
recognize it can therefore help you to just let it go by accepting it. I think 
that people like those in your knitting group are not meaning to say nothing, 
they are waiting to see if it is ok to say something. People are so afraid of 
your response and are scared that the words that they say, or that by bringing 
it up, will remind you. As if you could possibly forget your daughter died. 
They are just worried they will upset you and mostly do not know what to say. I 
have found that just bringing Emma up in those situations opens the door to 
their words. Sometimes people do not mention it because they are afraid of 
their own grief over the loss. It is incomprehensible to most people that 
someone can survive the loss of a child. There are also some people who stil 
strongly believe that bad things happen to bad people, and they just do not 
want to be around a bad thing. They disappear from your life and it is usually 
good riddance. 

I think the hardest part of the process is the part where you are. It is so 
hard to see that life has to go on, that things are normal around you and that 
after such as massive and life altering sorrow, things around you a
re normal. Then as you start to experience this sense of normalcy, you are 
shocked that you can. I know for me, it made me angry to start to "get back to 
normal" . I almost wanted to wear a big sign saying "my daughter died and you 
all should act accordingly". It reminds me of the poem by WH Oden:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public
    doves, 
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.


He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.


The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


OF course, the love is never gone contrary to the poem, but the rest just kind 
of clicks in that near normal state of being. 

Just know that there is no "wrong" way to be, or feel and that the way you feel 
is very unpredictable. Allow yourself time to spend with Mieko each day. 
However much you need. For me that was just thinking, imagining, looking at 
pictures, making albums, making videos and slide shows. Anything 
I could think of to keep her close to me. For me it helped tremenously. 

We are here every and any time you need us, 

Bess


-----Original Message-----
From: Maya Nishikawa <mayanishikawa@xxxxxxxxx>
To: tri-wings@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Mon, 11 Aug 2008 8:52 am
Subject: [tri-wings] Dealing with other people and your grief



Hi Everyone,
 would appreciate some advice from folks. I know you've had some of the same 
eelings I'm dealing with now that it's been a month since Mieko passed away.  
hings are slowly getting back to some sense of "normal", meaning going to back 
o work and such. The cards and phone calls have stopped.  Being out in public 
nd dealing with people at work is so strange.  For me, I think it's harder when 
eople I know don't acknowledge what's happened to our family.  It doesn't feel 
ight to just go on like nothing happened.  I'm finding myself holding small 
rudges against people who didn't say anything.  I went back to my knitting 
ight and no one said a word.  These are wonderful people who came to the 
uneral, etc. Is everyone waiting for my lead?  Are people just scared?
Worst of all, I feel like my oldest friends have let me down.  I have three 
riends I grew up with in California that have had minimal contact with me.  
hey all have busy lives and kids, but I can't believe they don't have a clue 
hat everyday must be like without your child. I don't want to hold a grudge 
gainst people I've been friends with for 
almost 30 years.  The irony of it all 
s that now I will have more ability to actually go home and visit with them 
egularly.  I think I will just call them, since they aren't calling me.  I 
on't want to be a bitter person, but it hurts.  
On the other hand, I have wonderful friends here in Minnesota and one that has 
een my rock and checks on me everyday.  I don't know what I would do without 
er.  Thanks for listening and letting me step in the pity pool for a while. 
Maya
om to Mieko (T18 3/09/04-7/11/08)

     
                 Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                      www.trisomyonline.org
                 Families Helping Families On-line


                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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