[tri-wings] Re: 2nd Big Favor

In a message dated 1/25/02 8:06:42 AM Central Standard Time, 
janjohn83@xxxxxxxxxxx writes:


> If you could send
> me the following information

--What things are helpful that people do or say?

I think one of the biggest things for us that I remember was just being there 
for us. A hug when we need it or just standing back and leaving us alone when 
we need that. Listening to us as we talk about Jessica, or asking us about 
her or what we think we might be like. Right after the funeral, a lot of 
people prepared food for us so we didn't have to cook for several 
days.......we could just vegetate and be with each other, thinking about 
Jessie and trying to deal with it. Remembering that a loss is a loss, no 
matter how old or anything.

--What things have people done or said that were hurtful?

Where should I begin ?

-- I know how you feel.
-- You're probably better off.
-- She's better off now.
-- Changing the subject when you start to talk about your child.
-- Talking about losing their dog, cat, or someone else, etc. 
-- You still have other children.
-- It wasn't meant to be.
-- At least she died before you got too attached.
-- The impression that since she was born still she wasn't really a child so 
she      doesn't count.
-- You can have more children .............
-- Comparing the loss of a child to the loss of someone who has had a long, 
full life.
-- Life goes on.........

--Has time changed how you feel about those things that are helpful or
hurtful?

I can stop and think now that sometimes people who have no inkling of what it 
feels like to lose a child might say things to comfort us. They are reaching 
out in a manner to help us, not realizing that the things they say or do are 
actually hurting us. I try to think to myself that even though they don't 
have a clue, they are saying or doing these things because they care. 

--What makes you decide to tell a person about your angel(s), or not tell
them?

A lot of it is gut feeling. I might feel someone is responsive and other 
times I might get the feeling that someone else just doesn't give a damn. I 
might get a feeling by watching how they treat their kids, etc.

--How do you think society in general looks at you, or treats you and your
angel(s)?

I think the majority would rather not think or talk about it. IWe are an 
unpleasant reminder that it doesn't always happen to someone else and a lot 
of our so-called friends avoid us to this day. In ways, I was guilty of this 
also. Before Jessie, I really didn't want to hear about someone losing their 
child. I knew it COULDN'T happen to us and I didn't want a reminder of how 
fragile life could be. But my eyes were opened when we first found out about 
Jessie and I thank God for it. 

--What things do you wish had been done, or said either at the beginning or
now that would be helpful to you?

I really wish that others would have reminded us when we lost her to just 
look at her, undress her, examine her fingers and toes, bathe her, take tons 
and tons of pictures, plaster casts of her hands and feet, cut a lock of her 
hair, just anything that we might be able to hold on to. We spent a lot of 
time holding her, singing and talking to her, but I wish that we had more 
physical things to remember her by. We will always have memories but her 
keepsake box is so empty...............

--Do you find that as time goes by fewer and fewer people remember your
angel(s), or talk about him/her/them?

Our families hardly ever mention her unless we bring her name up. And then 
they usually end up saying some of those things mentioned above that either 
hurt or make us angry so we don't normally talk to them much about her. I 
know that they still think about her sometimes because they go out to her 
grave and leave things, but I get the feeling that it is "out of sight, out 
of mind" for most others. If she is mentioned, it's usually as an 
afterthought. "So and so's 17 year old son was killed in a motorcycle 
accident last week. It must be awful for their parents." They forget that we 
are still going through that hell that comes with losing a child. Sure we can 
look back on the joy that she brought into our lives in the short time that 
she was here, but that doesn't take away the fact that we miss her. 

She opened our eyes to how precious life really is and that we need to 
cherish every second that we have with our loved ones. We have met a lot of 
wonderful people because of Jessie and she has helped us grow so very much. 
Sure a lot of people may not understand why we want to spend so much time 
with Mandy and Katie but they don't understand that life is not forever. We 
need to enjoy their childhood and their lives.


Jim, husband of Amy, daddy of Mandy- 8, Katie- 4, and Jessica Nicole- our 
precious angel who we love dearly ( full T18, 4-21-99 )
Pensacola, Florida U.S.A.
visit us at:    http://www.challengenet.com/~trisomy/french.htm      
ICQ #   52193165             AOL IM :   jimamy199           Yahoo IM :   
jpfrench99 
MSN:  jimamy


                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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