[tri-med] Re: With shock and great sorrow....

oh Loren, i am so sorry to hear about this. i have tears rolling down my  
face from reading about your loss of beautiful Keren. i don't know what to say, 
 
i just hope g-d sends you strength and comfort to get through this difficult  
time, and a new beautiful healthy baby to help rebuild your family and bring 
you  lots of love and joy.
 
you were a wonderful, strong and spectacular mom to Keren, and she is not  
with g-d and the angels smiling down on you. loving you from above.
 
Sharon
 
 
In a message dated 1/30/2009 3:35:33 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,  
lorenwarn@xxxxxxxxx writes:
Dear  Friends,

I've been in deep lurk for a long time, not because things  have been  
difficult, but because things have been VERY status quo,  busy, and  
full of joy. Our three girls have been growing like weeds.  The  
younger girls, Clare and Evvie (3 1/2 years and 22 months) have  been  
keeping Kraig and me on our toes with everything they've  been  
learning (and testing us with!). Keren (6 1/4 years, T18) has  been  
growing so much physically and in every area. She's been  thriving at  
school, and losing her baby teeth like mad (and getting  some new  
ones). Driving us crazy with some silly self-stims like  poking her  
eye or gouging her gums, but for the most part full of  huge hugs and  
squeezes, accompanied by laughs, squeals and sloppy  kisses. ...And  
we've been gearing up to announce to everyone our  crazy, happy news  
that we're about 13 weeks into expecting number  four!!!

And then Wednesday of this week, January 28, the  unthinkable,  
unbelievable happened: We lost our  Keren-girl....

She'd come down with one of her typical bug/colds  Sunday--fever with  
some congestion. Her norm with a "bad" one is  that she'll have the  
fever and cold for a few days, then it turns  into sinusitis of an  
infection of that sort, she goes on  antibiotics, end of story. I  
guess God had different plans this  time. Her fever was manageable,  
but constant from Sunday on, but  though the congestion seemed to  
clear up Monday Keren kind of slept  non-stop Monday-on. That was a  
bit strange. I talked with the  doctor's office Tuesday afternoon  
(third day in) and the nurse and I  agreed that since the fever was  
controlled by meds, we'd just set up  an appointment for Wednesday and  
bring her in if the fever hadn't  broken. Wednesday morning I got  
Keren up from bed to get a bath and  as I washed her, I noticed her  
breathing change--really labored and  awful, almost obstructing, but  
she wouldn't cough anything up (very  unusual for her....). I quickly  
got her back into bed with her  cpap/sleep apnea machine, and that  
improved her color, but she was  still just breathing through her  
mouth (had been doing that). Called  the doc's office and they said,  
yes, bring her in now, but if  anything changed to take her  
immediately to emergency. My sister was  able to get over within ten  
minutes to watch the younger girls, so I  packed Keren up, along with  
her cpap (we have a power inverter in  the car) and took off.

Wednesday here was one of our snowy days--it was  going like fury (of  
course). I quick called my OB's office to cancel  what was to be my 12  
week appointment that morning, and canceled one  other appt. Keren was  
to have. Throughout, I could hear Keren's  labored breathing. We were  
less than a mile from home when I  realized that I didn't here her any  
more. I got off the road, and  got to her, and she was completely  
unresponsive. My brain was  frozen--I could hardly think enough to  
figure out if she had a  pulse, and I didn't want to take the time. I  
just laid her down on  the floor, hoping she'd breathe better that  
way, turned the car  toward our nearby urgent care and called 911.  
They had paramedics  meet up with us before we got to urgent care.  
Amazingly swift. After  a few minutes of working on her in the  
ambulance, they told me which  hospital they were taking her to. I had  
the choice of going with her  or driving myself, and I chose to drive.  
Isn't it strange. It's one  of those choices that I think is probably  
vastly different for each  of us. I think I knew I'd be in the way in  
ambulance, that I needed  space to think, pray, call Kraig, etc. I  
wonder now if it was mostly  because that strange, unresponsive little  
girl they had taken from  my car was NOT my Keren. I think my Keren  
was already  gone...

As I drove to the hospital (don't worry, I was a good girl and  didn't  
try to keep up with the ambulance....), I kept praying,  "Lord, please  
don't let this be it," but at the same time I had an  unshakeable  
peace that if this WAS it, God was with us and Keren,  and had us in  
His hand. When I got to the hospital, the doctor and  nurses were with  
me in minutes. They explained that they had been  administering CPR,  
meds, and ventilator on Keren for a full hour by  that point (can an  
hour be so fast?), and she had not responded  once. The diagnosis was  
a respiratory arrest, that went into cardiac  arrest. I was basically  
faced with the words, "Within minutes we  need to stop. There's  
nothing more we can do...." Tried to process  it all--even asked point- 
blank if any of this would be different if she  wasn't trisomy. They  
hadn't even had her medical history as they  worked on her. I called  
Kraig and he was already on the road from  work, and my brother-in-law  
was there right as they took me to  Keren. My bro-in-law has done EMS  
work, and got to talk to the EMS  workers right there, confirming for  
us that they had done all they  could.

So that's it. I got to weep on my girl. Kraig arrived, then  more  
family and close friends, pastor from church, were all there  with  
their arms around us. It's been like that since. We came home  to more  
food already than we could imagine at the house, with my  sister and  
close family friends doing laundry and running herd on  our little  
girls. Two of Kraig's three siblings are right here in  town, and were  
over most of the day. Amazingly, Kraig's dad is here  this week from  
his work overseas, and my youngest sister is home  from grad school  
out east. My other sis and her husband were  supposed to be in  
Maryland by now for a new job, but the process has  been slower than  
expected, so they're still here. My parents had  just left on vacation  
Sunday, and flew back immediately, and Kraig's  mom is flying in from  
overseas. His other brother and family arrive  in the morning. Our  
church, within hours, had set-up a meals and  child-care coordinator,  
and the love has been overflowing. The  hardest phone call that I  
wanted to make myself was to Keren's  teacher to let them know.... Oh,  
that was awful. I think that's one  of the hardest things--letting all  
those who have known and loved  Keren know that she's gone....

I'm in process mode, or something like  that at the moment. I'm  
finding I want to just keep moving and  planning, and talking the  
whole thing through. I'm letting the  emotions come when they come,  
and avoiding the "what if" game with a  vengeance.... Keren's  
pediatrician called us Wednesday night, and it  was so reassuring to  
talk it through with him and here him say we  had done everything that  
could have been done, and what would we  have done differently? I  
slept horribly Wednesday night--not  surprising. I was doing much  
better tonight, but Ev was crying since  she crawled our of her  
covers, and after I tucked her in, my brain  wouldn't shut off. I've  
been wanting to write all this down, and now  seemed ideal.... Kraig's  
hanging in there. Keren was so much her  girl--he's been wrapped  
around her finger since she first grasped  his in the NICU six years  
ago.... The little girls are coping in  their ways. Evelyn isn't too  
phased, but the first night she kept  pointing at Keren's bed going  
"Sissy! Sissy!" Finally I put her on  the bed, and she immediately  
grabbed Keren's pillow and crawled  under the sheets. That's where she  
wanted to sleep. Clare has been  going through the round of emotions.  
I can't imagine how hard it  must be for a 3 1/2 year old to process  
this. Keren has always been  in her life.... On the one hand, Clare is  
thrilled that Keren can  now walk, and talk, and have her new house  
with Jesus (a concept  that we've built on a lot since we moved into  
our new house a year  ago. It connected with a Bible story we read  
about Jesus making a  new home for us in heaven, and when it's ready,  
he calls us there.  That's made a lot of sense to Clare, though she  
often has said, "But  I don't want to die! I like THIS house." Can't  
argue with that  logic!). On the other hand, she hits those awful  
moments where she  breaks down and wants to know when Sissy will be  
home, and says,  "But I want TWO sisters!" Oh, I couldn't agree more....

Phew, sorry,  this is a long one.

We've got the service arranged for Sunday  afternoon. You can actually  
see Keren and the service info at  rggharris.com (go to "Keren  
Warnemuende").

I will REALLY try  to keep you posted.

This list has been such a help and comfort to us  from day one. I'm  
sorry I haven't been able to be more active on it  in recent years....  
Thank you in advance for all your thoughts and  prayers....

Love,
Loren, wife to Kraig, mom to Keren Elyse (T18,  9/27/02~1/28/09),  
Clarissa Joanne (7/17/05), Evelyn Ruth (4/26/07)  and baby due (EDD  
8/6/09).






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