[tri-med] Re: With shock and great sorrow....

Loren - know that your family is in our prayers.  We lost Ella (T-18, 
7-31-02 to 8-13-07) when I was just pregnant too.  We like to think Ella 
and Gabe gave each other a high five when passing each other!
Take care of yourself, as I'm sure you will.  God has a great way of 
letting the grief come in the proper doses for you.
~Melissa 



Loren Warnemuende <lorenwarn@xxxxxxxxx> 
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01/30/2009 02:34 AM 
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[tri-med] With shock and great sorrow....






Dear Friends,

I've been in deep lurk for a long time, not because things have been 
difficult, but because things have been VERY status quo, busy, and 
full of joy. Our three girls have been growing like weeds. The 
younger girls, Clare and Evvie (3 1/2 years and 22 months) have been 
keeping Kraig and me on our toes with everything they've been 
learning (and testing us with!). Keren (6 1/4 years, T18) has been 
growing so much physically and in every area. She's been thriving at 
school, and losing her baby teeth like mad (and getting some new 
ones). Driving us crazy with some silly self-stims like poking her 
eye or gouging her gums, but for the most part full of huge hugs and 
squeezes, accompanied by laughs, squeals and sloppy kisses. ...And 
we've been gearing up to announce to everyone our crazy, happy news 
that we're about 13 weeks into expecting number four!!!

And then Wednesday of this week, January 28, the unthinkable, 
unbelievable happened: We lost our Keren-girl....

She'd come down with one of her typical bug/colds Sunday--fever with 
some congestion. Her norm with a "bad" one is that she'll have the 
fever and cold for a few days, then it turns into sinusitis of an 
infection of that sort, she goes on antibiotics, end of story. I 
guess God had different plans this time. Her fever was manageable, 
but constant from Sunday on, but though the congestion seemed to 
clear up Monday Keren kind of slept non-stop Monday-on. That was a 
bit strange. I talked with the doctor's office Tuesday afternoon 
(third day in) and the nurse and I agreed that since the fever was 
controlled by meds, we'd just set up an appointment for Wednesday and 
bring her in if the fever hadn't broken. Wednesday morning I got 
Keren up from bed to get a bath and as I washed her, I noticed her 
breathing change--really labored and awful, almost obstructing, but 
she wouldn't cough anything up (very unusual for her....). I quickly 
got her back into bed with her cpap/sleep apnea machine, and that 
improved her color, but she was still just breathing through her 
mouth (had been doing that). Called the doc's office and they said, 
yes, bring her in now, but if anything changed to take her 
immediately to emergency. My sister was able to get over within ten 
minutes to watch the younger girls, so I packed Keren up, along with 
her cpap (we have a power inverter in the car) and took off.

Wednesday here was one of our snowy days--it was going like fury (of 
course). I quick called my OB's office to cancel what was to be my 12 
week appointment that morning, and canceled one other appt. Keren was 
to have. Throughout, I could hear Keren's labored breathing. We were 
less than a mile from home when I realized that I didn't here her any 
more. I got off the road, and got to her, and she was completely 
unresponsive. My brain was frozen--I could hardly think enough to 
figure out if she had a pulse, and I didn't want to take the time. I 
just laid her down on the floor, hoping she'd breathe better that 
way, turned the car toward our nearby urgent care and called 911. 
They had paramedics meet up with us before we got to urgent care. 
Amazingly swift. After a few minutes of working on her in the 
ambulance, they told me which hospital they were taking her to. I had 
the choice of going with her or driving myself, and I chose to drive. 
Isn't it strange. It's one of those choices that I think is probably 
vastly different for each of us. I think I knew I'd be in the way in 
ambulance, that I needed space to think, pray, call Kraig, etc. I 
wonder now if it was mostly because that strange, unresponsive little 
girl they had taken from my car was NOT my Keren. I think my Keren 
was already gone...

As I drove to the hospital (don't worry, I was a good girl and didn't 
try to keep up with the ambulance....), I kept praying, "Lord, please 
don't let this be it," but at the same time I had an unshakeable 
peace that if this WAS it, God was with us and Keren, and had us in 
His hand. When I got to the hospital, the doctor and nurses were with 
me in minutes. They explained that they had been administering CPR, 
meds, and ventilator on Keren for a full hour by that point (can an 
hour be so fast?), and she had not responded once. The diagnosis was 
a respiratory arrest, that went into cardiac arrest. I was basically 
faced with the words, "Within minutes we need to stop. There's 
nothing more we can do...." Tried to process it all--even asked point- 
blank if any of this would be different if she wasn't trisomy. They 
hadn't even had her medical history as they worked on her. I called 
Kraig and he was already on the road from work, and my brother-in-law 
was there right as they took me to Keren. My bro-in-law has done EMS 
work, and got to talk to the EMS workers right there, confirming for 
us that they had done all they could.

So that's it. I got to weep on my girl. Kraig arrived, then more 
family and close friends, pastor from church, were all there with 
their arms around us. It's been like that since. We came home to more 
food already than we could imagine at the house, with my sister and 
close family friends doing laundry and running herd on our little 
girls. Two of Kraig's three siblings are right here in town, and were 
over most of the day. Amazingly, Kraig's dad is here this week from 
his work overseas, and my youngest sister is home from grad school 
out east. My other sis and her husband were supposed to be in 
Maryland by now for a new job, but the process has been slower than 
expected, so they're still here. My parents had just left on vacation 
Sunday, and flew back immediately, and Kraig's mom is flying in from 
overseas. His other brother and family arrive in the morning. Our 
church, within hours, had set-up a meals and child-care coordinator, 
and the love has been overflowing. The hardest phone call that I 
wanted to make myself was to Keren's teacher to let them know.... Oh, 
that was awful. I think that's one of the hardest things--letting all 
those who have known and loved Keren know that she's gone....

I'm in process mode, or something like that at the moment. I'm 
finding I want to just keep moving and planning, and talking the 
whole thing through. I'm letting the emotions come when they come, 
and avoiding the "what if" game with a vengeance.... Keren's 
pediatrician called us Wednesday night, and it was so reassuring to 
talk it through with him and here him say we had done everything that 
could have been done, and what would we have done differently? I 
slept horribly Wednesday night--not surprising. I was doing much 
better tonight, but Ev was crying since she crawled our of her 
covers, and after I tucked her in, my brain wouldn't shut off. I've 
been wanting to write all this down, and now seemed ideal.... Kraig's 
hanging in there. Keren was so much her girl--he's been wrapped 
around her finger since she first grasped his in the NICU six years 
ago.... The little girls are coping in their ways. Evelyn isn't too 
phased, but the first night she kept pointing at Keren's bed going 
"Sissy! Sissy!" Finally I put her on the bed, and she immediately 
grabbed Keren's pillow and crawled under the sheets. That's where she 
wanted to sleep. Clare has been going through the round of emotions. 
I can't imagine how hard it must be for a 3 1/2 year old to process 
this. Keren has always been in her life.... On the one hand, Clare is 
thrilled that Keren can now walk, and talk, and have her new house 
with Jesus (a concept that we've built on a lot since we moved into 
our new house a year ago. It connected with a Bible story we read 
about Jesus making a new home for us in heaven, and when it's ready, 
he calls us there. That's made a lot of sense to Clare, though she 
often has said, "But I don't want to die! I like THIS house." Can't 
argue with that logic!). On the other hand, she hits those awful 
moments where she breaks down and wants to know when Sissy will be 
home, and says, "But I want TWO sisters!" Oh, I couldn't agree more....

Phew, sorry, this is a long one.

We've got the service arranged for Sunday afternoon. You can actually 
see Keren and the service info at rggharris.com (go to "Keren 
Warnemuende").

I will REALLY try to keep you posted.

This list has been such a help and comfort to us from day one. I'm 
sorry I haven't been able to be more active on it in recent years.... 
Thank you in advance for all your thoughts and prayers....

Love,
Loren, wife to Kraig, mom to Keren Elyse (T18, 9/27/02~1/28/09), 
Clarissa Joanne (7/17/05), Evelyn Ruth (4/26/07) and baby due (EDD 
8/6/09).






                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line





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                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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