[tri-med] The Child Knows

I wish that I had written this - this is going up on my wall for EVERYONE to 
read!!
The Child Knows
by Rabbi Baruch Rabinowitz

Loving our children unconditionally, especially those with special needs.

Nota Shlomo was but five years old and my rabbi was coming for a visit. Rabbi 
Moshe Shapiro, shlita, had arrived from
Jerusalem the day before and insisted on coming to our home. Yes, he wanted to 
visit with us, but primarily he wanted to
see Shlomo, our son who has Down syndrome.

Shlomo was the first one to the door. When my rabbi entered, Shlomo grabbed him 
around his knees and hugged him for a
short while. Rav Moshe commented with a smile, "He knows who loves him."

During our ensuing conversation, my wife and I asked for an elaboration on that 
comment. And Rabbi Shapiro explained.
The soul of a child with physical and cognitive limitations is certainly 
loftier and more complete than our own souls.
Most souls are sent to this world to primarily fulfill their unique divine 
purpose. A soul placed in a body which has
limited functionality in this world, is sent with the primary purpose of 
improving those around him. Its purpose is
served by being there for family and friends to work on themselves. Such a soul 
has special sensors to be able to feel
and perceive the moods and emotions of others, even if overtly that ability is 
not apparent. There is an intuitive sense
which pervades many a child with special needs, enabling him to correctly 
determine who really cares, who really loves,
and who is merely pretending. And so, my rabbi instructed, it is crucial to be 
sure that any therapist we engage should
truly love Shlomo, because that
will elicit active participation and maximum results, thereby assisting him in 
fulfilling his primary purpose. He will
feel... he will know.

A few weeks later, a new physical therapist paid her first visit to our home. 
She walked in, climbed the stairs ahead of
Shlomo, and prior to the session she put on a pair of surgical gloves. Real 
love! Within 15 minutes, Shlomo was bouncing
down the steps with the therapist's pocketbook in hand. He placed it by the 
front door and emphatically waved goodbye!
He knows who loves him.

The ramifications of this revelation go far beyond therapeutic situations and, 
indeed, far beyond children with special
needs. Don't we all respond more energetically and with greater desire, drive 
and determination when we are encouraged
by love? Don't we all find ourselves working harder to please the one who 
encourages us with acceptance, optimism,
confidence and pride?

Professionals have often said that children brought up in a home which has a 
supportive environment and which is replete
with positive reinforcement will develop a greater degree of self confidence 
and self-esteem than those brought up in a
punitive system. How much more so for the child who is blessed with a soul that 
has heightened awareness and
sensitivity! The child with special needs responds to each interpersonal 
relationship and therapeutic challenge far
better when it is accompanied by supportive positive encouragement and genuine 
love.

I have met parents who have told me that they find it hard to love a child who 
is physically deformed or developmentally
disabled. Is it because the society around us places so much emphasis on 
external appearances that one who doesn't fit
the image elicits uncomfortable emotions? Is it because of the extra amount of 
time and effort necessary to help such a
child succeed and develop? Is it because we somehow feel (baselessly) that it's 
"our fault" that our child has issues,
and we have difficulty facing our own faults? Is it because we experience so 
much pain that we cannot face reality? Is
it because we so mightily feel the pain and frustration of the child that we 
avoid contact? Is it because we are ashamed
of this child with special needs? 

Causes may be theorized, but practically the response is not at all 
appropriate. It certainly does nothing to help us
move forward in a constructive way.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

A number of years ago, a middle-aged couple approached me with an unresolved 
issue. Their ninth child was born with both
developmental and physical abnormalities. Mrs. Schwartz accepted Simcha with 
love and dealt with him with the same
devotion and love she did the first eight. Maybe even with more. Mr. Schwartz, 
on the other hand, had difficulty playing
with Simcha, kissing him, or even holding him comfortably. The resultant 
problem was predictable. Simcha never wants to
be held by the father, is always cranky around him, and consequently gives him 
no nachas. 

I stated the obvious conclusion. The child was merely responding in kind. He 
demurred and reiterated that he found it
too embarrassing to be with the child, and so I related to him the following 
story:

One Friday, when I was a yeshiva student, I went to a mikva in Boro Park. 
Exiting the showers, I came upon an elderly
Jew who was severely deformed. He was a hunchback who was bent over to the 
point of needing to tilt his head upwards
just to be able to see forward. He looked at me and held out a bar of soap. 
"Please, wash my back," he requested. It was
obvious that he was unable to do so himself. I had difficulty enough looking at 
him, much less actually washing him. I
just couldn't! As I tried to run past him I quickly mumbled some excuse about 
being in a big rush. He grabbed my wrist
with an iron-like grip. We looked at each other for a moment and he stabbed me 
with his words of rebuke. "You have no
ahavas Yisrael -- no love for your fellow Jew."

We must learn to look at every person not just as a physical representation, 
but as the bearer of a holy soul. The Torah
obligation of "Love your neighbor as yourself" is because, as the sentence
concludes, "I am God" (Leviticus, 19:18). We are called upon to love every Jew 
in part because we all share the same
source of soul. In the language of the Maharal, the 15th century philosopher, 
each soul is called a Chelek Eloka Mimaal
-- a "piece of God" so to speak. God blew of Himself into each person -- 
V'Yipach Be'Apov Nishmas Chaim. The soul which
exists in each person emanates from God Himself. Just as it is incumbent upon 
us to love the Almighty, we are equally
obligated to love every Jew.

The Sages say "Jews, Torah and God are one." The Alter from Kelm explains, 
"Loving every Jew is an expression of our
love for God." They are intertwined and are part of the same continuum. We need 
to look more than skin deep... we need
to see each person as a child of God, as a holy soul, as a "piece of God." Just 
as we are not perfect, we should love
others even if we perceive imperfections.

Each and every one of our children is a gift from the Almighty. Our children 
deserve our love. If I love because of
beauty, talent and potential as defined by the norms of society, then I love  
selfishly. If I love just because -- I
love selflessly.

My suggestion to Mr. Schwartz was that he view his child in a different light. 
Try to look beyond the perception to see
into the reality. Try to show love to your special child, to this unique soul. 
Try to love because of that which we
share in common, instead of focusing on the differences. Rabbi Pam, zt"l once 
said, "The gap between our developmentally
delayed children and ourselves is far less than the gap between us and God." I 
implored the father to try to spend more
time with his son, to develop and express love, to demonstrate affection -- and 
hopefully Simcha will respond in kind.

Several days after our conversation, I received a call from Mr. Schwartz. 
Simcha got sick the day after we had spoken,
and his wife was unable to take him to the doctor. And so this father had to  
do it for the first time -- to carry his
child to the doctor! He was introduced to the facts of a pediatrician's waiting 
room. For an hour and a half he sat
waiting. For an hour and a half he had the opportunity to try a new approach. 
He had difficulty getting started, until
suddenly another  parent looked at Simcha. "Your son is so sweet... he's 
adorable... such beautiful eyes." Mr. Schwartz
looked into Simcha's eyes and he found himself looking through his eyes into 
the depth of the soul. He suddenly found
himself filling with emotion... a feeling which was familiar because he had 
experienced it with his other children. He
hugged his son harder and harder. He whispered, "I love you," into his ear. For 
the next hour this father played with
his son. Played and hugged. After an
hour, his child fell asleep on his shoulder... for the first time.  

Within a few weeks, all barriers were broken. Simcha smiled when his father 
looked at him and obviously enjoyed the time
spent together. As a side benefit, the other children in the family became more 
involved and expressive and Simcha's
development increased dramatically. He knows who loves him. All children 
respond positively to love. Yet, the child with
developmental disabilities often reacts more dramatically. He is more 
intuitively connected.

When we work on ourselves to relate to our special child out of true love, we 
are sending an important message to the
child. Even if he is not endowed with the capacity to comprehend the written or 
spoken word, even if he is incapable of
understanding language in the way most people do, he is blessed with the 
natural innate ability to know that which is
expressed in other ways. He knows what we are feeling. It makes an impression. 
He feels what we are feeling. It makes a
difference.

It's a message of love just because. It's a message of relationship with no 
strings attached. It is loving the child the
way God loves us. It's a message which inspires maximum self-esteem and self 
worth, and fulfillment of purpose.

For many of us love comes naturally. Others among us may need to work on it and 
develop it or dig deep and reveal it.
And we should -- because it is healthier, more pleasant and much more enjoyable 
for all involved. We must develop
ourselves to the point where our true love overflows and our true appreciation 
of our child's very existence is a
tangible reality. It will make a difference to our child, to God and to 
ourselves.

This article originally appeared in Spirit Magazine.

Author Biography:
Rabbi Baruch Rabinowitz is a rebbe in Mesivta Ateres Yaakov of South Shore. A 
frequent lecturer on the topic of children
with disabilities, he is the parent of a child with Down syndrome. He resides 
with his family in Brooklyn, N.Y.

This article can also be read at:
http://www.aish.com/family/mensch/The_Child_Knows.asp
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