On May 28, 2008, at 14:20:36 -0700 (PDT), Michelle Wilson
<mewildflower1@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
> Would anyone be willing to share any stories about their own
> marriages with me? One or off list is fine. If you are still
> married, what made you stay?
>
Hi Michelle and everyone else,
I wasn't going to respond to this (I've already bared my soul too
many times on the lists), but I learned something in counseling today
that made me change my mind.
Dick and I have had a tough time of marriage ever since the
beginning, I think. I had been assaulted a couple of years before we
started going out (even though we had been writing back and forth
during his stint in the Air Force). He knew about the assault but
made an assumption that it was a long time ago and I was over it.
Not true. I'm still not over it. I don't feel like he has always
treated me with respect or with kindness, let alone love. I've been
through a lot of emotional abuse and enough physical abuse that I had
thought very seriously 3 different times about getting a divorce. I
saw a lawyer the first time. I contacted the women's shelter the
second time. And the third time, I was so much stronger and was so
angry that I was just going to SHOW him. I was prepared to lose
weight, become acceptable in his eyes, and then have divorce papers
delivered without saying a word.
This was all over the course of 30 years. During this time, Cheryl
had been my confidant. She was my best friend, not a good place for
a mom to put her daughter. Cheryl asked me often why I didn't leave,
"why don't you just get a divorce and be done with it?" I could
never give her an answer other than I had been raised to believe that
divorce was wrong. My brother had gotten a divorce after 10 years of
marriage and my mom and dad really freaked out. They were so
embarrassed that they didn't even tell family, let alone friends.
And my sister had been living with her future husband for many years
without marriage. Another thing that embarrassed my parents. I
didn't want to be an embarrassment to them, too. I didn't tell
Cheryl any of that though.
After I had lost about 50 pounds, we found out about Hope's trisomy.
As Cheryl cried while she was telling me over the phone, she made me
promise to let dad go on his fishing trip because she didn't want to
be blamed for him missing it. (It had been planned for 3 years with
his 3 brothers.) If I'd have known that one of the brothers was
bringing his brother-in-law, I would probably have at least asked
Dick not to go, but I'm glad I didn't. Whether he went or not, he
would still have blamed both of us for spoiling his trip. And then,
to top it off, he told his brothers that Cheryl's baby had already
died. She was 5 months along and the baby lived to full term. That
added to my anger. But I decided that that was not the right time to
leave Dick. Cheryl needed both of us.
I went to Cheryl and Denny's and spent a week with them. Listening,
providing a shoulder to cry on, and just being there to hug. They
were so concerned about each other, something I'd always wanted for
myself. I was so glad that they were comforting each other.
But Cheryl and Denny went through some really hard stuff the first
year and a half after Hope died. Cheryl was suicidal. Denny was not
coming home. Lots of things were wrong. With counseling, and with a
separation and a new start, dating, etc., they came back together.
Cheryl said she always knew they would. I was very proud of her for
that.
She learned FROM ME that marriage was not always easy, that it is
work, but if there is a spark of love there, it is worth the work. I
had not realized this until today. I know that she looked at me many
times while she was a teenager and wondered why I didn't leave. I
always told her, "because I love him." It never occurred to me that
those 4 words could have the impact on her that they did.
Their marriage seems very strong right now - from the outside. I
think it really is. And our marriage is the strongest it has ever
been. Not that we don't have some ups and downs, but Dick has really
been here for me in the last 5 years. If we could just get our
finances to balance, we'd be in good shape. ;~}
I wish everyone the best in their own personal struggles with the
difficulties of marriage. Even in the best of times, marriages are
work. With the added impact of a child with disabilities, the work
gets harder unless the family cord is twined together to hold all of
you together. You need to communicate. That was our number one
problem. And I believe it is for all couples having problems. Don't
struggle alone if you are having trouble.
Hugs,
Sheila Helleson Minnesota Grandma to:
Hope (T-18 ^i^ 11-1-1) & Alison; Cadence and Bridge
Mom to Cheryl (& Denny); Wade (& Charity)
Wife to Richard for 36 years
"Shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half-sorrow."
Swedish Proverb
Laughter and tears are the healing medicines of God.
Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
www.trisomyonline.org
Families Helping Families On-line