[tri-med] Re: Love and marriage and disabled kids!

I'm sorry for your troubles Michelle.  Raising kids, especially with a
disabled one, is hard enough without marital strife.  Lack of communication
is probably one of the biggest problems with the marriages I see fail.  Not
only not communicating, but communicating in "improper" ways.  I took an
interpersonal communications class in college, and I have to say that I got
more usable skills from that one class than from the rest of my classes
combined.  The one thing I really remember is to think of a relationship as
a child.  It's not just you and the other person, it is you, the other
person, and the relationship.  If you make a point to care for the
relationship, it takes the focus off how you are caring for the other
person.  For instance, if you bring a touchy subject up, and Rick gets
defensive, instead of lashing back take a breath and think of how that
"child" (the relationship) is affected.  So now instead of focusing on a
comeback or defense of your own, you are thinking about how to make the
"child" feel better.  I don't know if that helps--it was so long since I
took the class I can't remember exactly how they explained it (one of those
things that I can use myself but can't really explain it well-weird).  

I have never read "Men are From Mars...", but I did read "The Care and
Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.  You may not care for her, but she can
really give some insight into how men think and feel and what they want from
their wives.  It's actually based on letters from men.  The important thing
if you read it, though, is DO NOT BE ANGRY when you start it.  I was really
angry at Andrew when I bought it and started it and it just made me more
pi**ed off.  After I came out of my mood and decided to give it a fair
shake, it was very insightful.  The thing to remember is that you cannot
change other people.  You can only change yourself.  If you make 100% effort
on your part, you know you did everything you could, and a majority of the
time, if you made your effort with a willing and cheerful heart, your spouse
notices and starts to do the same.

I hope things get better for you.  Remember, without the bad, we wouldn't
know what good is!


Jennifer Vanderbeek
Meridian, ID
Mom to Arwen, 10; Elanor (T18), 8; caregiver to Joe (CP), 29, and wife to
Andrew

Visity Elanor's Caringbridge site at:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elanoranne 




-----Original Message-----
From: tri-med-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:tri-med-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx] On
Behalf Of Michelle Wilson
Sent: Friday, May 30, 2008 7:16 AM
To: tri-med@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [tri-med] Re: Love and marriage and disabled kids!



<<Communication is a big part of a successful marriage
talk often and honestly
talk about your husband positively to others - build him up

David and I have sought out counselling (separately) at different times and 
I think this has really helped us both.>>

I have to say that communication has been one of our biggest challenges.  I
actually have come to not want to say some things to him because he gets all
defensive and miscommunicates what I say.  AND, I have been with him for 9
years so YES I have tried looking at what I say and how I say it to him.  It
seldom makes a difference.  I can see how therapy is becoming an important
next step in our life.  Thanks!

MIchelle, mom to fAren



      
                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

                  Building ___ooOOoo__ Rainbows
                       www.trisomyonline.org
                  Families Helping Families On-line

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