[TN-Bird] Lovin' a Species to Death

ONCE UPON A TIME, when birds were in charge of everything, the gene pool of a 
strange species of human beings was on the decline.  Other species of humans 
were managing well but there were several small populations of minor species of 
human beings in serious trouble.

DURING THE TIME WHEN BIRDS WERE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING, there arose a group of 
birds who prided themselves as being humaners -- they, having far too much time 
on their hands with nothing to do, decided to start watching human beings.  As 
humaners, they made lists of the human species they had observed and some of 
these humaners placed far too much emphasis on whose list was longest.  Some 
even put great emphasis on having the longest list for a day -- while others 
just tried for a long list during a period of one year.  But the life-list for 
most of these humaners was a source of great pride and comfort to them.  
Whenever a new species of humans was found, these birds would go many miles and 
show up in droves just to add another name to their list. Yes, for many, this 
hobby of watching human species had become an obsession.

THESE BIRD HUMANERS began to flock together, forming a network of humaners 
complete with rules and bylaws and message boards and instant methods of 
communicating news of the appearance of a less-than-common species of humans.  
Quasi-professional groups of Humanothological Societies were formed in most 
states -- they designated themselves to be the keeper of the official lists.  
Should a humaner, especially a beginning humaner, spot a human being that was 
not on the official list and post that sighting to the message board, those 
older and card-carrying members of the Humanothological Society would 
immediately post sneering and spiteful comments ridiculing that novice 
humaner's impossible sighting.  But occasionally there would be an enterprising 
beginning humaner who would get pictures of his find.  Then the older humaners 
would flock together to see the sight and upon seeing the new species would add 
it to their list and feel even more superior and arrogant for having done so.

THE WORD WOULD GO OUT, far and wide --  and birds would fly from everywhere to 
see a new human being species.  Sometimes the birds would arrive in such 
numbers that the bird-police would have to be called to prevent them 
over-running an otherwise pristine and quiet place in nature.  The humaners 
would arrive with their lists and their cameras and their 
tape-recorders/players.  If the human species was not obvious and out in plain 
view, the humaners would attempt to trick the species into showing itself.  
Yes, these humaners were a devious lot offering sounds and foods specific to 
the species they were hunting.  Why some of the humaners would even hire a 
guide to lead them directly to the place -- and pay this guide huge sums of 
money to see a plain, but somewhat rare, human form.  This is the tale of one 
rare group of human beings which was loved to death by these misguided and 
overzealous humaners.

ONE HUMANER GUIDE, offering trips to other humaners (in groups of ten at a time 
-- ten seems to fit nicely into a large van somehow) was from a frost-proof 
part of the country.  Whenever he would hear of the sighting of a new species, 
he would send out advertisements of that fact and note that he would be 
willing, to sell for some shillings, a chance to see said new species.  And off 
he would go with a lot of humaners, mostly old with blue feathers, to observe 
the latest human species found in a region.

WHEN OUR STRANGE AND RARE AND GENETICALLY THREATENED SPECIES OF HUMAN BEINGS 
was first spotted by a novice humaner, the small group of humans was barely 
managing to maintain a small breeding population in the high mountains of 
Tennessee.  The novice humaner, spotting these strange and new critters, told a 
local hunter in his region about them.  It turned out that this hunter was one 
of the leading humaners in the state and he confirmed that the critters were 
for real.  (A hunter and a humaner -- now that is a rare combination but this 
fabled one was revered far and wide.  Besides, he said his prey tasted just 
like rattlesnake.) The word went out.  Eventually, even the professional guide 
to human beings down in the frost-proof region of the country learned of this 
rare sighting.  The guide got together a flock of humaners to come and watch.  
They arrived, one flock after another, completely destroying the peace and 
serenity of the human beings' habitat.

THE GUIDE insisted, for scientific study purposes only said he, that he should 
set traps so he could band some of the human beings.  One breeding male and 
three breeding females in the group were killed by this banding action and five 
juveniles and immatures died of starvation when their parents didn't return.  
Several others in the breeding population were so frightened that they left the 
group and started living along, electing to suffer genetic death, rather than 
face the horror of the humaner and his traps and bands of metal that he wanted 
to strap around a leg.  Some of the members of the breeding population of human 
beings thought that the presence of a metal strap about their leg made them so 
unattractive that they stopped trying to reproduce.  

THIS SMALL BREEDING POPULATION of human beings diminished by almost ten per 
cent as a result of the trapping/banding attempts.  Because the humaners who 
were paying the guide to see the species were demanding "show us the species or 
return our money", they became more resourceful in attracting the humans into 
view.  A group of them told the guide, "It is time to start pishing" and the 
guide immediately relieved himself much to the dismay of the group.  They, on 
the other hand, started in with the pishing process and succeeded in calling up 
twelve humans who otherwise would have been busy building shelter for their 
family or cooking a meal for their hungry children or weaving a warm coat for 
the baby so that he would be warm during the coming cold winter.  After all the 
confusion of the pishing ended, the disruption to the small human group took 
away another fifteen per cent of their numbers due to poor nutrition and poor 
housing and improper winter weather gear.

STILL, THE GUIDE WANTED TO SHOW OTHER GROUPS OF HUMANERS (of course they were 
willing to pay big bucks to add another species to their life list) this small 
population of human species in the wilds of Tennessee.  All of the activity of 
the humaners had by now created such a tourist attraction that the once 
isolated region was humming with activity.  The guide started using 
tape-recorded messages to call up the human beings.  Almost every time he would 
play his taped message, a fickle human mate would think he or she was hearing 
the call of the most seductive one ever and leave the nuclear family in the 
midst of procreation -- and end up suffering genetic death because there was no 
way to get viable gametes from the guide's tape player.  When the tapes were 
played during the humans' breeding season, the disruption was so great that 
more than half of the remaining bonded couples split apart as a result of the 
seductive calls being broadcast throughout their range.

IT WAS DURING THIS TIME that one of the more resourceful human beings, a tough 
female from Mississippi, began to trick the humaners with ripe persimmons.  She 
would deliberately place large ripe persimmons where the humaners could find 
them and they would then often stop their pishing and playing records to eat 
the delicious fruit.  The guide, being from a frost-proof place, didn't know 
about persimmons and frost.  This resourceful human female deliberately placed 
some green persimmons directly in the path of the guide who immediately fell 
upon them and ate them all.  The human population was free from intrusions from 
the guide for a period of time during which he had the trots.

ALAS AND MOST UNFORTUNATELY, however, the guide finally recovered and resumed 
his tours of the region disrupting and eventually destroying the viability of 
the very group he professed to love and protect.

FINALLY, the breeding population of this rare and exotic human species became 
so small that its gene pool stopped evolving.  The population was loved to 
death by all the activity of the humaners.

WITH APOLOGY TO ALL FABLE WRITERS AND LOVERS OF THE APOLOGUE FORM.

Terry Thornton
Rinnie, TN (North of Crossville on the Cumberland Plateau) 

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