[thebigjewel] Inspector General - July 31, 2002

* We welcome back Ernst Albrecht with his second article on The Big Jewel. 
If you'd like to read Ernst's first article because you loved this article, 
or because you hated it so much but love the feeling of hate, then visit 
http://www.thebigjewel.com/garagesales/ Have a great week, and we'll be 
seeing you.

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Inspector General
By Ernst Albrecht

CONFIDENTIAL: 
General Sternwood 
Department of Diminishing Returns 
Camp Squanto, Massachusetts 

SUBJECT: 
Five-year deregulation program 
Operation Overbite 

Dear Jake, 

My recent unofficial visit to Camp Suzie convinced me that the present five-
year program, now in its sixth and final year, is in trouble. Jake, they 
were shocked as hell to see me there last Sunday morning. If I had arrived 
any later, I'm sure the whole place would have been whitewashed and 
spitshined. 

For starters, no guard was posted outside the compound. I had to honk the 
horn for 15 minutes before anyone let me in. It was Commander Moss himself 
who opened the gate and he was still in civilian underwear. Now this was 
well past eight-thirty; Sunday school had been over for an hour. I was 
wearing regulation skivvies, of course, but the man still failed to salute. 
He then stated that if I paid a two dollar toll he'd let me through, no 
questions asked. Jake, I had to look up at the flagpole to make sure I was 
in the right country. Moss maintained that the regulations manual never 
specified as to the public display of undergarments. I checked his facts. I 
can hardly believe it but he's right. I'll be damned if there's a single 
sentence in the book which details a mandatory code of dress. We should 
rewrite the whole shebang, starting with the introduction, "Why We Serve" 
(the obvious answer -- "Because it's there" -- doesn't fool them anymore). 

According to the list Commander Moss gave me, 47 percent of the camp 
personnel were absent without leave, 35 percent were missing in action, and 
another 5 percent never existed. A brief investigation, which involved 
poking around inside the perimeter bushes with a cattle prod, brought that 
last figure down to an acceptable 3 percent. It can only be hoped that the 
other figures are the result of gross clerical incompetence. 

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