* The Big Jewel's Hilarious Weekly Email presents our second article by David Jaggard. Incidentally, David is a buff, fit twentytofortysomething with a hankering for love. You'll find his email address on the site. Also, for David's first article on The Big Jewel, called 'I, Writer', please visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/writer/ Have a great week. -- Honesty In (Personal) Advertising By David Jaggard Likes fancy restaurants, trendy nightclubs Very attractive, sexy young woman seeks unattached man for evenings out, maybe more if every single little detail is exactly perfect according to my unannounced and constantly-changing personal criteria. Write to ref. 3053 in c/o The Big Jewel. I said maybe. Have you got what it takes? Exceedingly handsome, financially independent man in his mid-40s seeks Ms. Right. Must be able to pull her own weight, handle herself with aplomb in tricky situations, talk her way out of big trouble, win difficult people over to her way of thinking and save the day in a life-or-death emergency. Our first date will be a test of all those things and if we stay together, "pop quizzes" will arise from time to time when you least expect it. Write to ref. 3162 in c/o The Big Jewel. Sense of humor a must. Calling all men! Hey, all you guys out there! I don't care how old you are, what you look like, what your race or religion is, how much money you have, how much you weigh, or whether you have a nice personality or not. Just leave me alone. Under no circumstances respond to ref. 0613 in c/o The Big Jewel. And don't look at me like that either. Schlepping Beauty seeks Prince Charming Youngish, prettyish woman, shallowish, tired of the endless unrelenting stream of guys who say they're not ready to commit. And then seems like they all get married about six months after we break up. Hmmm. Anyway, I'd like to find a guy who's really ready to give all of his love right now and keep on giving and giving and giving it, a guy who's not necessarily rich or anything but who can support me no problem and won't get his Jockeys all in a sheepshank if I blow a few hundred on clothes now and then, a guy who will be ready to rear my children in case I might ever someday maybe decide I want any, a guy who'll stand by me through hard times, illness, stress, migraines and inexplicable mood swings, a guy who can wait up already for like five or ten minutes while I'm getting ready to go out, a guy who wouldn't even think in his dreams of dreaming of thinking of another woman, a guy who gets along really well with my mom even when she forgets her medication, a guy who knows what I want even before I do and gets it for me on the double, who knows how to show me a good time even when I don't feel like doing anything and isn't too "manly" to wait on me hand and foot. Why can't I find a guy like that? Write to ref. 3935 in c/o The Big Jewel. Go on, show my friends that they're wrong. Looking for that extra-special someone Are you that one in a million? The lucky woman selected from among the thousands who respond to this ad will be swept away to a magical dreamland where she is Her Majesty the All-Powerful Empress and I am her Dutiful Servant, throwing myself at her feet and asking only to fulfil her every whim and desire. Then, after about 72 hours of that, she can start making all the meals, doing all the shopping and housework, picking up my dirty socks and toenail clippings from wherever I happen to drop them, pulling my hair out of the shower drain, and going around the house turning off the appliances, lights and faucets that I leave on if I feel like it. Sometimes I don't flush the toilet either. Take it or leave it at ref. 3766 c/o The Big Jewel. P.S. It'll have to be your place, 'cause I live with my parents. She wants a stand-up kind of guy Young woman seeks handsome man, 35-44, who is willing to take the blame for everything. We don't agree on something, I win. We have an argument, you lose. Then you apologize. You are responsible for anything that goes wrong no matter how inconsequential and any unpleasantness no matter how slight, including that caused by other people, unforeseen circumstances, acts of God or the weather. If you can't take the heat, don't respond to ref. 3560 in c/o The Big Jewel. No phonies please. -- For the complete shakedown on honest personal ads please visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/honestpersonalads/ -- To subscribe/unsubscribe from this list please turn off all the lights, spin around twenty times with your hands on your head, and then walk in a straight line for twelve feet while singing 'Crazy' by Aerosmith.