[pr0k] Terms and conditions - Amendments.

  • From: Nicholas Stephens <Nicholas@xxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: pr0k@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Wed, 14 Aug 2002 14:17:37 +0100

> 
> 
>Subject: Terms & Conditions of Employment - Amendments 

>Sick Days 
>We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as proof of sickness.  If you


>are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work. 
> 
> 
>Surgery 
> 
>Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need 
>all your organs.  You should not consider having anything removed. 
> 
>We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breach of 
>employment. 
> 
> 
>Holidays 
> 
>Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year.  They will be called 
>Saturday and Sunday. 
> 
> 
>Toilet use 
> 
>Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets.  In the future, 
>we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For instance: 

>All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00am to 8:20am, 
>employees whose names begin with 'B' will go form 8:20am to 8:40am and so 
>on. 
> 
>If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait


>until the next day when your turn comes again.  In extreme emergencies 
>employees may swap their time with a co-worker.  Both workers supervisors 
>must approve this in writing. 
> 
>In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.  At 
>the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, 
>and the door will open. 
> 
> 
>Lunch Break 
> 
>Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can 
>look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their


>average figure.  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the 
>time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill. 
> 
>Dress Code 
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If 
>we see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously 
>assume that you do not need a pay rise. 
> 
>Thank you for your loyalty to the organisation.  We are here to provide a 
>positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, 
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, 
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or 
>input should be directed elsewhere. 
> 
>Have a productive day! 


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