[lit-ideas] Re: hot Chinese housewives living in Uganda

23 April 2005

Semul the Barbarian
The Law Firm of Semul, Laknar, and Frisch
Etc.

Dear Mr. Barbarian:

Your request to Professor Paul has landed on my desk as if I didn't have 
enough to do already. If it weren't for people like you though there 
would be no place in our firm for people like me, take this how you will.

I am sorry to have to reply to you with what is so obviously a form 
letter that it is copyright under the Geneva Convention (all of them), 
NORAD, NATO, AND GATT, but I must, so I will.

Professor Paul is out of the office. He has never been in the office. It 
follows that he cannot RETURN to the office. There is no point in trying 
to reach him through any means of communication, public or private, or 
through print or electronic media. He does not read billboards. He does 
not answer the telephone. The pollution caused by smoke signals is the 
focus of his campaign to have them banned under the Environmental 
Protection Act.

You should not infer from the fact that I know he is NOT HERE that I 
know where he IS: elsewhere is a big place. He is gone, no forwarding.

May I depart from the text and say how personally outraged I am that you 
  Barbarians and Goths (of whatever stripe) are demanding what you 
amusingly call your rights with respect to the largesse that Fortune has
rightfully bestowed on Professor Paul? If I had been (as I often dream 
of being) the commander of a Roman Legion, there would, believe me, be 
fewer Ostrogoths at large today.

Yours faithfully,

Elliott Dommage
Junior Clerk
Ausdrücke, Tatsache, and Kohl
Bellevue, Illinois
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