[lit-ideas] WOdunnit

Whoops-a-daisy! I had a whimsy about a crypto-feminist exercise technique that could reverse memory loss by continuous hypothalamic stimulation if only there were enough paparazzi around to make everyone a celebrity, and the Olympics were moved from China to a rain forest in Cameroon. Seemed good stuff at the time, so I sent a submission query for the article to The Wilson Quarterly, which immediately responded with a form rejection letter, a letter that I mistakenly assumed was a personal attack on me from one of the two hundred fifty-three thousand highly-literate friends of Mike Geary. Naturally, I countered with a bristling porcupine of a retort, thinking I was sending it to Mike's angry yokefellow and toady. Yet when I harmonized my Outbox, I noticed that this tempestuous amphigory had accidentally been addressed to Cary Grant's next of kin. Gaffe is not a strong enough word. WHO could have done this, I thought. Just as the faint thought-balloon lingered over my head, I was startled by the upstairs neighbors practicing their circus act, happened to look up, and subsequently misinterpreted the thought-balloon's text as "WO could have done this." Minutes ago, I checked the List and discovered that WO did do this. And I wasn't the only victim! Mike was blaming Walter. Walter was accepting the blame, and WO actually seemed willing to accept more blame on impartial shoulders broad as a Mount Pinatubo's back. The only logical reaction is to blame someone else. So I have decided to blame it on Kaiser Wilhelm II, and, to a lesser extent, the Hohenzollern clan in general. Moreover, I will continue to blame Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albert von Preussen for the next six minutes, or until that blasted thought-balloon disappears. After all, what would Spinoza do? Except not post this, that is ... 

Da Shield's Hamlet
Nick Charles, UT
        
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