>> This is just silly. --Walter O It was. I thought the thing below was silly when I wrote it, before I had to exchange Holder for Ashcroft and change a sentence or two. ________________ And You Thought Richard Reid Was Slow The Fool's Jihad: al-Qaeda Seeking Morons By Eric Yost WASHINGTON (Aug. 5)-Following release of a new audio tape credited to al-Qaeda, Attorney General Eric Holder warned of the "very real possibility of an incredibly lame, ineffective, and incompetent terror attack.'' Holder suggested that the terror network built by mastermind-turned-fish-food, Osama bin Laden, is recruiting the stupidest people on the planet, perhaps with the intention of certifying in The Guinness Book of World Records for "world's stupidest terrorist plot." "They want to strike us whenever and wherever they can,'' Holder told The Learning Channel this Tuesday. "However, they currently seem more intent on setting world records in the 'fool' category, and appear to be recruiting the mentally challenged, village idiots, simpletons, and imbeciles throughout the Muslim, partly Muslim, and rarely Muslim world." While refusing to confirm the tape's authenticity, Holder told PBS's Sesame Street that it, "indicates that the terrorist threat remains, and is perhaps entering one of its more flaky, even spaced-out chapters." He stated that al-Qaeda maintains the same hatred of the US that it did when it attacked on Sept. 11. "However, it's likely the new breed of al-Qaeda recruits are the kind of folk who would starve to death if locked inside a supermarket. Real dummies." The latest al-Qaeda recording, apparently made on a Fisher-Price toy, possibly a Laugh & LearnT Fun With FriendsT Musical Table, states that "American big incompetent will cry and feel bad'' if the US government "keeps using big words to say things we can't figure out." Anonymous intelligence sources confirmed that analysis of the tape indicates the voice is likely that of Bin Laden's former deputy-now doomed international bull's-eye and clay pigeon-Ayman Al-Zawahiri, possibly suffering from some kind of extreme hangover, alalia, or dementia. "This could be a serious threat,'' said Holder, examining his cufflinks. "Or it could be a college prank violating the National Security Act. Or it could be a bizarre obsession by al-Qaeda leadership determined to win listing in The Guinness Book of World Records. Or it could be something we know nothing about and never will. Nevertheless, for yo-yos, the American people are marginally alert, which is more than I can say about al-Qaeda.'' An unidentified spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department, Roger Linton Collins, notified federal and state law enforcement agencies that al-Qaeda may attempt hijackings or "stuff," using bicycles-built-for-two, toboggans, steam shovels, donkey carts, wheelbarrows, tricycles, and possibly pogo sticks with purple crepe tied to the handles. Over the weekend, the State Department suspended visa rules for travelers who were unable to name of planet they currently inhabited, identify their hands, or pronounce the word "jihad" in a quiet voice. Holder said this screening, "adds yet another intractable, armadillo-like shell of absolutely savage, knuckle-busting, hard-core titanium security," and spat. Wistfully flexing his left bicep, Holder added that he wished the old color-coded system were in place so he could announce a new terror-color, maybe sepia, concluding, "with enemies like these, who needs friends?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off, digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html