[lit-ideas] Re: Philosophical League Tables
- From: "Eric Yost" <mr.eric.yost@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2012 08:06:32 -0400
>> This is just silly.
--Walter O
It was.
I thought the thing below was silly when I wrote it, before I had to
exchange Holder for Ashcroft and change a sentence or two.
________________
And You Thought Richard Reid Was Slow
The Fool's Jihad: al-Qaeda Seeking Morons
By Eric Yost
WASHINGTON (Aug. 5)-Following release of a new audio tape credited to
al-Qaeda, Attorney General Eric Holder warned of the "very real
possibility of an incredibly lame, ineffective, and incompetent terror
attack.'' Holder suggested that the terror network built by
mastermind-turned-fish-food, Osama bin Laden, is recruiting the
stupidest people on the planet, perhaps with the intention of certifying
in The Guinness Book of World Records for "world's stupidest terrorist
plot."
"They want to strike us whenever and wherever they can,'' Holder told
The Learning Channel this Tuesday. "However, they currently seem more
intent on setting world records in the 'fool' category, and appear to be
recruiting the mentally challenged, village idiots, simpletons, and
imbeciles throughout the Muslim, partly Muslim, and rarely Muslim
world."
While refusing to confirm the tape's authenticity, Holder told PBS's
Sesame Street that it, "indicates that the terrorist threat remains, and
is perhaps entering one of its more flaky, even spaced-out chapters." He
stated that al-Qaeda maintains the same hatred of the US that it did
when it attacked on Sept. 11. "However, it's likely the new breed of
al-Qaeda recruits are the kind of folk who would starve to death if
locked inside a supermarket. Real dummies."
The latest al-Qaeda recording, apparently made on a Fisher-Price toy,
possibly a Laugh & LearnT Fun With FriendsT Musical Table, states that
"American big incompetent will cry and feel bad'' if the US government
"keeps using big words to say things we can't figure out." Anonymous
intelligence sources confirmed that analysis of the tape indicates the
voice is likely that of Bin Laden's former deputy-now doomed
international bull's-eye and clay pigeon-Ayman Al-Zawahiri, possibly
suffering from some kind of extreme hangover, alalia, or dementia.
"This could be a serious threat,'' said Holder, examining his cufflinks.
"Or it could be a college prank violating the National Security Act. Or
it could be a bizarre obsession by al-Qaeda leadership determined to win
listing in The Guinness Book of World Records. Or it could be something
we know nothing about and never will. Nevertheless, for yo-yos, the
American people are marginally alert, which is more than I can say about
al-Qaeda.''
An unidentified spokesperson for the Homeland Security Department, Roger
Linton Collins, notified federal and state law enforcement agencies that
al-Qaeda may attempt hijackings or "stuff," using
bicycles-built-for-two, toboggans, steam shovels, donkey carts,
wheelbarrows, tricycles, and possibly pogo sticks with purple crepe tied
to the handles. Over the weekend, the State Department suspended visa
rules for travelers who were unable to name of planet they currently
inhabited, identify their hands, or pronounce the word "jihad" in a
quiet voice.
Holder said this screening, "adds yet another intractable,
armadillo-like shell of absolutely savage, knuckle-busting, hard-core
titanium security," and spat. Wistfully flexing his left bicep, Holder
added that he wished the old color-coded system were in place so he
could announce a new terror-color, maybe sepia, concluding, "with
enemies like these, who needs friends?"
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