[lit-ideas] Only Existentialist Philosophers Need Apply

Flash Bulletin:


HEADLINE: French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan


to Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God




The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the


Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French


existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the


morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of


God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or


'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to


spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the


enemy.


Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during


their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first


action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at


strategic points near the front lines.


There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the


absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the


universe. They will be accompanied by a number of


heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further


spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers'


ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable


to everyone else.


Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of


his confidence in the success of their mission.


Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven


young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,


"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most


ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your


tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange


plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating


freedom of action with special reference to the work of


Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.


However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn


the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of


passive smoking from the Frenchmen's' endless Gitanes could


wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.


Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also


contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen


Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory


of the creation of the universe.


This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by


the Allies to undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism


that fuels the Taliban's fighting spirit. Pentagon sources


have recently confirmed rumors that America has already sent


in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban


front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its


fingers while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the


life. Follow me or die."














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