[lit-ideas] Re: First Rational Discourse creates al Qaeda, now... battle PhDs?

Dear Professor Paul:
It was with deep regret that I learned about the dearth of real elephants in your inventory. These noble creatures -- so valuable for logging operations, piano keys, the amusement of children, ultramontane military incursions, and as metaphors for both memory and unmindfulness -- will be missed by all capable of the emotion, whoever they are. Your suggestion that I substitute giraffes for my purposes, though doubtless well-intentioned, falls regrettably short of the mark. My urgent need for a large but mysteriously invisible, room-bound animal that can loom and stumble, crowd and lurch, while yet remaining unheeded by eristics ... in short, my desire for the huge unnoticed presence, can scarcely be sated by the application of giraffes. Their heavy knobbed skulls aside, giraffes are graceful, nimble in a way that elephants are not, and hardly suitable for seven blind wise men to contemplate. When, I ask, have you ever seen a giraffe loom? Doubtless you will attempt to beguile me with offers of apes and hippos, rhinos and bulls, yaks and possibly even yeti; yet even these entities are losers in the looming aspect so essential to the self-pauperized metaphorist. Granted, were the room submerged, a leviathan or giant squid might suffice in a pinch, but my metaphor requires a landlubber's room. Therefore I have taken my business elsewhere, and have retained a video game production company, whose staff of wage-slave sweat-shop "artists" has tendered me a suitable substitute. To whit, I know refer to the Giant Naked Sean Connery CGI Figure. It dances. It looms. It throws a seemingly unlimited supply of battle-axes. It does not require bed and board. Most importantly, overlooking a Giant Naked Sean Connery CGI Figure is even more remarkable than pretermitting an elephant. Be assured that my choice is not a personal affront, but reflects an attitude toward modernity your firm seems at present to lack. Giraffes indeed! 

Yours in colorless green,
Gunter Hatherer


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