[jsfg_cinti] The Onion presents: Job Hunting Tips for Today's Market {satire}

Listserver command info can be found at the end of this file.
_______________________________________________

The Onion presents:
 
Job Hunting Tips for Today's Market

http://www.theonion.com/onion3736/job-hunting_tips.html

Today's job market is more competitive than ever. Here are some tips to help
give you the edge:

*    Make sure your résumé is free of spelling and grammatical errors,
grease stains, crumbs, blood splatters, and bits of hair and gristle.
*    Be aggressive: Don't be afraid to call a potential employer every few
hours and say, "Is there an opening yet? How 'bout now? How 'bout now? Now?"
*    When waiting for a job interview and a fellow applicant is there,
strike up a conversation. Then, when it's your turn to be interviewed, stand
up and say, "See ya, sicko." Explain to the interviewer that he invited you
to a goat-sex orgy.
*    If you find the "Notable Achievements" section of your résumé lacking,
consider listing the longest rat-tail you've ever grown.
*    Avoid borrowing liberally from the plots of popular Tom Clancy and John
LeCarré novels when describing previous job experiences.
*    If you attended Harvard, Yale, or another prestigious Ivy League
institution, don't bother noting this on your résumé. Or even creating a
résumé at all. Just have one of the other assholes from your school get you
a job. 
*    Be sure to pronounce résumé "REH-zoo-may," which means "a list of one's
accomplishments and qualifications," and not like the word "resume," which
means "to unpause Resident Evil 3."
*    After providing a contact number for your "former employer at Merrill
Lynch," be sure to change your answering machine to say, "Hi, this is
Merrill Lynch, we're not in right now."
*    If, during an interview, you sense that they have detected one or more
of the falsehoods in your résumé, throw a smoke bomb on the floor and escape
in the ensuing confusion.
*    When a job application asks you to list "Reason You Left Previous Job,"
make it clear you were not at fault. Write, "Boss was total Nazi."
*    Have a long history of experience in the field you're applying for and
glowing recommendations. Either that, or print your résumé on really nice,
heavyweight ivory paper.
*    Being state archery champion is impressive, indeed. But Hardee's is
more interested in knowing if you're intelligent enough to avoid deep-frying
your hands. 
*    Post your résumé online. This will give it an air of authority and
legitimacy that only the Internet can confer.
*    When writing a cover letter to a prospective employer, stress that,
although you used to admire their company, they totally suck now, but that
if they hire you, you can help make them great again. That will definitely
work. 
*    Don't be afraid to list "Cook County Correctional Facility" on your
résumé. They could think maybe you worked there or something.


-- jsfg_cinti@xxxxxxxxxxxxx: The Internet Mailing List for the Cincinnati 
JSFG --

Post to: jsfg_cinti@xxxxxxxxxxxxx  (include your real name and email 
address)

- You can unsubscribe from the list by sending email to 
jsfg_cinti-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx with 'unsubscribe' in the Subject field. 

Web archive: http://www.freelists.org/archives/jsfg_cinti 

Questions to:  jsfg@xxxxxxx

Other related posts: