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Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: new health and safety xmas rules

 
 

These rules will be in force as from now, and must be followed from
Christmas 2012 onwards.


 
  
  NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS
  POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HEALTH & SAFETY
  WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
  While shepherds watched their flocks by night,
  All seated on the ground,
  The Angel of the Lord came down,
  And Glory shone around. 
  The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety
Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that,
due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras
behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is
reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the shepherds must
be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA,
UVB and Glory lighting.
  LITTLE DONKEY
  Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
  Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load. 
  The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are
permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour
plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The Little Donkey has expressed his
discomfort as being labelled Little and would prefer to being simply
referred to as Mr Donkey. Comments upon his height or otherwise are
considered to be a breach of his equine rights. 
  WE THREE KINGS
  We three Kings of Orient are,
  Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
  Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain,
  Following yonder star. 
  Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as Cash4Gold etc.,
gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils
and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might
be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely
on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav.
Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in
the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food
breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the
likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves. 
  THE ROCKING CAROL
  Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
  We will lend a coat of fur,
  We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
  We will rock you, rock you, rock you, 
  Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of
allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket
or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please
note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
(CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared
to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.
  JINGLE BELLS
  Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,
  Over fields we go laughing all the way. 
  A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also
consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate particularly if
passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be
gained before entering any Open Fields. To avoid offending those not
participating in the venture, it is required that only moderate laughter is
used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others. 
  RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
  Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
  And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
  All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
  They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. 
  You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R.
Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to
this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be
considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against
anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be
implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up
stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner. 
  AWAY IN A MANGER
  Away in a manger no crib for a bed. 
  Refer to Social Services  

You will

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