- it wasn't me. A friend of mine sent it to me today. She and squirrels go way back. --- Bernie <happykraut@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote: - Jean, quite a story. Being a biker myself (V65 Magna) I can appreciate what you went through. Don't tell that story to the PETA people. They will side with the squirrel. Bernie Jean Squires wrote: >- >Thanks for all the suggestions on where to find a stick. You guys are too >funny. In return I will leave you with this story. > > >"The Squirrel Grenade by T-Duck > >I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood >could be >so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires >more >decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any >other >common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making >abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! >The >consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness >are pretty much the same for both groups too. > >Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or >late >decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this >being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when >this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more >importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a >gas >stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch >up. > >Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a >motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, >the >brain needs to keep up with the machine. > >I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back >into >Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the >freeways. >Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions >daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it >needed >my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it >happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which >drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even >close. >This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took >evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even >aware >was there! > >Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness. All within >seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. > >I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, >headed >through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I >turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my >full-face >helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the >quiet >surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that >"edge" >so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect. > >As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under >it >and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, >and >must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the >car. >I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or >avoid >it-it was that close. > >I hate to run over animals. And I really hate it on a motorcycle, but >a >squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for >the >impact. > >Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! > >Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing >on >his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve >in >his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible >second, >he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, >"Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen ****!" as the leap >was >spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in >the >chest. > >Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn >he >brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. > >Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of >activity. >As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and >jeans >this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was >doing >some damage! > >Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in >jeans, a >t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet >residential >street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. > >I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With >all >my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost >running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. > >That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. >It >really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the >pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have >headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no >ordinary >squirrel. This was not even an ordinary very annoyed squirrel. This was >an >evil attack squirrel of death! > >Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and >with >the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an >amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather >anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to >take >my left glove with him! > >The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were >continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the >least. >The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the >throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put >a >healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy >twist >on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This >is >what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The >engine >roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in >anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in, well, I just >plain >screamed. > >Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in >jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove >roaring >at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential >street.on >one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the >squirrel >are both screaming bloody murder. > >With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on >the >handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the >mutant >squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into >somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out >how >to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did >manage >to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive >power >of the big cruiser. > >About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient >attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack >squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face >helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in >my >face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed >to >have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon >maxed >out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front >end >started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and >chrome >cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one >leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a >large >puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed >full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little >hoarse. > >Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled >him >out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This >time >it worked, sort of. Spectacularly sort of, so to speak. > >Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off >on a >quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some >paperwork. > >Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in >jeans, >a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, >moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder >roars by >and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into >your >police car. > >I heard screams. They weren't mine... > >I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and >dropped >the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded >to a >stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. > >I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really >would >have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem >interested >or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was >on >his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front >of >and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other >was >standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police >cruiser. > >So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the >professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? > >Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of >the >patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, >and >shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. > >And now he has a patrol car. > >I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right >turn, >and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive >home? >Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80 mph cars and inattentive drivers, >or >the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with >the >freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves. > > > >_____________________________________________________________ >www.ferretnetwork.com - The Ferrets United Network >www.ferretlovers.com free e-mail for ferret lovers >sponsored by Modern Ferret magazine www.modernferret.com > **************************************************************************** > Our WebPage! 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